At some point, you may have experienced the displeasure of being in a one-sided friendship.
Rather than consisting of a balanced give-and-take relationship, a one-sided friendship tends to include one person who fits the role of the Taker, and the other person as the Giver.
The unreciprocated energy, care, and resources beget resentment, disappointment, and separation – which puts the friendship at serious risk.
Recently we discussed one-sided friendships with the perspective of the Taking friend in mind (if you missed it, click here)
Are You Giving Too Much of Yourself?
Today is about you Givers who are pulling most – if not all – of the weight in a friendship.
You could be initiating all the plans, making endless sacrifices, or dishonoring your own needs and boundaries in hopes of receiving the quality of friendship that you’re offering.
Maybe your friend never opens up, nor cares about connecting with you beyond the surface-level.
Or maybe they constantly dominate your conversations, with no space for – or interest in – your engagement.
I feel for you, it sucks.
You want for you both to remain in each other’s lives, but your satisfaction in the friendship is deteriorating, with each discouraging interaction.
It’s like re-fueling a car that frequently drops to E before you can reach your destination. You love your car and don’t mind giving it what it needs, but when the car lets you down every time you go for a ride, you begin to wonder if it’s time to trade it in for something more reliable.
Perhaps life would be easier, and more rewarding without it.
Why Do Friends Take?
Some of the friends on the Taking side of these dynamics do so without any redeeming qualities (toxic), and other Takers have positive intentions but are challenged in thinking beyond themselves.
You’ll never solve the issues in your friendship by pretending not to be bothered by their Taking behaviors, nor by wishing them to act in other ways.
This is where reflection and communication come in.
What You Can Do
- Assess the reality of the situation.
Despite the one-sided nature of the friendship, are you certain that your pal truly cares for you?
You probably know them well enough to sense where their intentions lie.Is their frustrating behavior consistent, or sporadic?
You could cut them some slack if they are in the midst of extenuating circumstances (i.e. your otherwise decent friend focuses all conversations on herself since her recent breakup.)
Allow your friends to depend on you as the Giver during such phases in their lives. But if they habitually dominate every conversation and/or show little interest in that which you share, you needn’t be as tolerant.
- Evaluate your needs
What do you need from your Taker friend?
Do you need him to follow through on his word?
To respect your time?
To listen to you, and remember things that are important to you?Get clear on (and considerate of) what you need so you know what to ask for, and what your boundaries are.
Take a Look in the Mirror
What has been your role in the dynamic becoming what it currently is?
Maybe you set the expectations of:
– Always being available for monopolized conversations with her.
(You could limit/decrease the amount of time you spend as a silent prisoner).
– Or acting like you weren’t bothered all those times they kept you waiting at length.
(You could have spoken up, or stopped waiting)
– Or pretending not to be inconvenienced by only meeting on their side of town.
(Instead of suggesting to switch up locations sometimes.)
Using hindsight, which over-Giving tendencies are you ready to drop?
Additionally…
You’re fed up with being the Giver in this friendship, but are you a Taker in another relationship? Are you guilty of mistreating/ underappreciating a friend? Ensure that you are acting with integrity inside all your relationships too.
- Take a time-out.
You and your Taking friend could likely benefit from a pause.
This needn’t necessarily be something that you vocalize, but could be kept private while you process your layered emotions, the state of your friendship, and your role in it.Reconvene when you are ready to…..
Communicate…but for real.
- Ask your friend to chat. Voice your concerns, accountability, and suggestions.
Emphasize your feelings and interpretations here, versus attacking them with blame.
It can be scary or awkward if this is new for you, but can become more natural with practice.You might say something like:
“When I don’t get an opportunity to share in our interactions, I feel a lack of connection with you.”
Brainstorm ways to meet needs and make compromises.
Such as:“It would mean a lot to me if we could meet in the middle more often.”
Just remember that open communication is key to any worthwhile relationship, and you deserve clarity from each other.
Express (and be ready to enforce) new boundaries:
Boundaries keep everyone in their own lane, safe from harming one another.
“I love grabbing dinner with you, but need to ensure I’m respecting my own time too. If you are more than X minutes late, from now on I’m going to just leave.”
Boundaries aren’t enforced out of hard feelings towards the friend, nor an attempt to control their behavior.
You decide what you’re (un)willing to tolerate, and follow through if the boundary is crossed.
This action removes the power you give them to upset you. You use the power of boundaries to prevent repeat offenses before they occur.- Observe how they respond to you.
If they are overly- defensive/invalidating/ indifferent, it’s likely they are toxic and must be cut off (more on that soon.)
However:
Maybe they do care for you and are unaware of how little they’ve given back. Perhaps, for whatever reason, they are simply lacking in certain friendship etiquettes.
By opening up an honest dialogue, you give Taker the opportunity to change course. - Don’t take it personally.
You might not get the responses you were seeking from your heart-to-heart.
Your friend might not make the changes you were hoping for.
Avoid internalizing their lapses in empathy/understanding- their shortcomings have nothing to do with you.
Maybe you both are growing apart, and it’s okay to let go.
Not all one-sided friendships will last (especially if there’s an unwillingness to work out the kinks).
If you plan to keep this person in your life, adjust your expectations of them and proximity to them accordingly.
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+ Empowerment Coach + Hypnosis Practitioner + Social Worker +TEFL/TESOL
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