Photo by Jerzy Gorecki via Pixabay
And How to Come Back Home to Yourself
Does dating ever feel like you’re auditioning for a role?
Do you catch yourself masking, molding, or contorting who you are just to feel wanted?
So many of the women I’ve worked with have learned to jump through emotional circus hoops in order to be chosen — believing they need to shrink, shape-shift, or self-sacrifice for love.
If you’re exhausted from the performance and ready to build connections rooted in authenticity, this is for you.
Today we’re diving into why self-abandonment happens, what it costs you, and most importantly, how to reconnect with yourself — even if that feels scary.
How Self-Abandonment Shows Up in Love
If you struggle with codependency, anxious attachment, or losing yourself in relationships, you already know how terrifying it can feel to face the world without the protective mask you’ve always relied on.
That mask didn’t show up out of nowhere — it showed up because at some point, being yourself didn’t feel safe.
Here are some common ways self-abandonment slips into your dating life:
Silencing your needs or opinions
You hold back because you fear it’ll push someone away.
Defaulting to the other person
Their preferences, their timing, their comfort — even when yours drip down the drain.
Hiding parts of yourself
Your quirks, your history, your actual personality — tucked away out of fear of rejection.
Letting your world revolve around them
Goals, hobbies, friendships… all slowly replaced by the relationship.
Feeling restless when alone
You swipe, chase attention, or jump into rebounds to avoid the discomfort of your own company.
Sometimes self-abandonment is dramatic — a total identity wipeout. Other times, it’s subtle. A quiet acquiescence here. A bitten tongue there. Then one day you look in the mirror and wonder:
Where do they end… and where do I begin?
Why You Learned to Lose Yourself
Let’s make something clear:
Self-abandonment is not a conscious choice.
These patterns were wired into you early on. They were survival strategies, not personality flaws.
Maybe:
Your caregivers couldn’t meet your emotional needs.
Healthy love was never modeled to you.
Your individuality wasn’t welcomed or was even punished.
So of course expressing needs, setting boundaries, or using your voice can feel confusing — even threatening.
These internalized habits become part of your implicit memory, running like background programming that shapes your relationships automatically.
And even when these old systems crash and burn, your brain still clings to what’s familiar — because change, even good change, is uncomfortable.
The past shaped you.
But it does not have to script your future.
How to Return to Yourself
If you’re thinking,
“I’m so disconnected — I don’t even know where to begin,”
I’ve got you.
Here are five powerful reflection questions to disrupt automatic self-abandoning habits and start reprogramming your relational blueprint.
Take your time with these.
Be curious, not judgmental.
5 Questions to Rewire Old Patterns
1. What does it look or feel like when I’m most connected to myself?
Connection to self might look like:
A few quiet minutes each day to check in;
Reflecting on how you responded to situations this week;
Sticking to routines that give you balance and clarity;
Think of the moments when you feel grounded, present, and you.
2. Who are the people and environments that help me feel most like myself?
Bring to mind the relationships and settings that feel effortless.
Maybe it’s:
Nature;
Time with pets;
One-on-one conversations with people who genuinely get you.
These clues matter.
3. What stories do I tell myself that keep me stuck in old programming?
Some common ones:
“I have to be a certain way to be loved.”
“I can only respect myself once I accomplish X.”
“Growth takes too much energy. I’ll start someday.”
No shame here — just noticing.
4. What do I want to believe about myself instead?
Do you want to believe you’re someone who:
Takes good care of herself?
Chooses supportive relationships?
Walks away from people who drain or devalue her?
Savors life and shows up with intention?
Name it so you can start claiming it.
5. How can I make that true today?
Start small and concrete:
Speak up about something that bothered you;
Honor a commitment you made to yourself;
Recognize when your mind tries to drag you back into old patterns;
Those “excuses” often sound like:
“Work was exhausting — I’ll just skip dinner with my friends… maybe I’ll see him instead.”
This is just your brain reaching for what’s familiar, not what’s healthy.
With repetition, the mind — like a wild stallion — learns to be guided.
You don’t need to force anything. Just keep reconnecting.
And trust: you will get there.
Ready For the Next Step?
If you found this helpful, share it with a friend who might need it too.
And if you’re craving more insights and tools around enhancing your relationships and emotional intelligence, be sure to subscribe to my newsletters and YouTube channel for a little more love and clarity.
* A quick note: Coming from my own lived experiences & the clients I most often work with, you’ll often hear me use heteronormative pronouns. That said, my coaching & content are meant to be inclusive & supportive of people of all gender identities & orientations.
No matter how you identify, you are welcome here.
Jasmine Rodarte (she / her)
BS, ACC, RYT-200, CPSW
