Signs & Solutions of Codependent Relationships
Confined in Codepency...
My eyes obsessively averted back to the clock.
He should have been home by now, I thought, worried about the various likelihoods causing my boyfriend’s delay.
I’d recently learned (by going through his phone) that on nights when he said that he would be working late, he was actually scoring more Oxys with a coworker.
I hope he isn’t drinking too much tonight, another worry entered my mind of him getting pulled over in my car, especially because he didn’t have a license – I was making monthly payments to help him get it reinstated.
Though this month I wouldn’t have as much money to pay towards it, due to a surprise encounter with a pissed-off dealer to whom he was indebted.
Another ATM withdrawal.
Another night laying anxiously awake, fretting over him picking up another charge, and setting us back even farther.
I needed sleep, peace of mind, and help in carrying all this weight.
But more than all that, I needed him to keep needing me.
What Codependency Is
For those unacquainted with the term, this was, undoubtedly, a codependent relationship.
Within such a dynamic, one or both parties struggle with fear of abandonment and/or rejection, which manifests itself as a dependence on – and manipulation towards – the other to feel a sense of love and self-worth.
The bond then succumbs to dysfunction, deterioration, and/or stagnation, with each party becoming increasingly reliant and fixated on one another, deterring both individual and collective advancement. (What is a Codependent Relationship and Are You In One?)
Photo by Toa Heftiba
Qualities of Codependent Relationships
Often in these relationships, there is an imbalance of power and contribution, as one partner fits the role of a caretaker, and the other partner as a taker (though these roles can occur interchangeably). (20 Signs You’re in a Codependent Relationship &Why It’s Unhealthy)
The caretaker constructs their life around the needs of their partner; the taker (consciously or unconsciously) takes advantage of this for their own benefit.
Eventually, the caretaker’s needs and wants become overshadowed by the taker’s, and the caretaker will take it upon themselves to be the one to resolve their partner’s issues.
And so ensues a vicious cycle of the taker depending on the caretaker, who depends on the taker’s dependence for validation.
These qualities oppose those of an interdependent relationship, which we will touch more on later.
Codependency is especially common in (but not limited to) relationships with a presence of substance abuse, psychological, and behavioral disorders.
While codependency can occur in platonic, familial, and professional relationships too, today’s focus is on its presence in romantic relationships.
Consequences of it
Being involved in codependency can be disempowering, and has the ability to distort your reality. Without engaging in professional support such as therapy or coaching, eventually you might find that:
- Your sense of self becomes blurred in the enmeshment –
The enmeshment of a codependent couple blurs the lines between the two individual entities. You might have lost your sense of self, and don’t know what your identity (or worth) is beyond your role in the partnership. - Your other relationships erode –
There’s only so many times you can put your other relationships on the back burner before they weaken or dissolve completely. Don’t let your romantic partnership form a wedge between you and your other ties – you can’t get all of your social fulfilment from one person. Additionally, your other relationships may be drained by the drama between you and your S.O. if it dominates all your interactions and leaves no room for you to be present with your peeps.
Which of your relationships have you been neglecting? How can you begin to repair them? - You forfeit opportunities for personal growth and enjoyment –
If you’ve consistently held yourself back from recreation and evolution outside of the relationship, your personal development becomes stagnant, and opportunities pass you by. What have you sacrificed to stay with your S.O.? While compromise is a necessary component of interdependent relationships, endless sacrifice isn’t. What have you been putting on hold due to your relationship? What is something you would like to do/learn/develop if your relationship weren’t an issue?
Signs You May be Codependent
- You’re scared/ uncomfortable with spending time alone.
Within the confines of a codependent relationship, you become so attached to the constant presence of your partner, whether or not the time spent together is enjoyable. This leaves no room for alone time, and when faced with it, you might become anxious, lonely, unsure what to do with yourself, and grasping for distractions to alleviate you of the discomfort. - You’re unsure of your own needs and wants – What do you need to feel at peace, fulfilled, valued? What do you want for your life? You may have pushed these concepts so far out of reach due to an excessive preoccupation of your S.O., leaving you acting in ways that distance you further and further from understanding yourself and achieving happiness.
- You’re unsure how to act without getting approval first.
Has independent decision-making become a thing of the past? Or maybe it’s always been foreign to you…
While in a partnership it is important for both parties to consider each other, you needn’t wait or ask for a green light before making every choice, and shouldn’t expect it of your S.O. either.
It could be that you feel you must ask for permission for the mundane, such as if it’s okay to cook a dish a certain way, or to do activities such as visiting a friend. Or you expect your partner to run every detail by you first before letting them go about their business. - Picking fights /escalating fights for the security/attention.
Do you and your partner cycle through the same fights over and over without resolution or breakthrough? It is likely that you’re unfamiliar with healthier ways to connect. In your own ways (and ways that may be subconscious) you both feed off the drama that result from the conflict, feeling a false sense of security in the attention you receive from it.
Healthy couples fight too, but in an interdependent relationship, the fights are less frequent, more constructive, and aren’t sparked to lure each other into a dramatic orbit.
- You hold your partner back from progressing on their own.
A codependent partner might feel threatened by their S.O. having successes or opportunities outside of the relationship, and may make efforts to sabotage such, to keep their S.O. under their thumb. Examples of this include discouraging their S.O. to go to school, developing a skill, going to therapy, getting in shape, etc. The fear is that if S.O. advances in certain areas, they might outgrow the relationship. - Wanting to change your partner.
You want them to live up to the potential you see in them. Maybe you’ve caught glimpses before, maybe you know they are capable, so you keep hanging on, trying to get them to change, get their shit together, be the person you know they can be.
And despite all evidence to the contrary, you believe that you can be the one to get them to change. If they would only just ________. - Mistaking your enabling for generosity.
You constantly swoop in to absolve them of the messes they create. All of your time, energy and resources are swallowed by their deficiencies and habits. You tell yourself that you make all of these sacrifices because you are a loving and devoted partner.
And that’s probably true, but it ain’t working. Often, enabling is rooted in part by a desire to control someone’s outcomes. Yes, your efforts are probably made with positive intentions, but in the long-term, you are hurting rather than serving both of you. - Maxing out your mental and emotional capacity in your thoughts/worries about your partner.
Do you obsess over who your partner might be talking to? What they’re doing every second that you two aren’t together, and if they’re making the “right” decisions?
When you are hyper-focused on your S.O., you take on responsibility for their outcomes and emotions. Meanwhile you neglect to care for your own. This is a helpful tactic when you subconsciously want to avoid processing your own emotions and working on your stuff. When all your attention is on them, you hinder yourself from your personal responsibilities to your own emotional health
Striving for Interdependence
Relationships come in many designs, unique characteristics and complexities. While there’s no perfect template for how a romantic partnership should operate, it’s safe to say that interdependence is the key to a healthy relationship’s success.
Interdependent relationships consist of an equal balance of power, contribution, and fulfillment. The partners have their own senses of self-worth and don’t depend on one another to “complete” each other, because they know they’re already whole on their own. Within an interdependent relationship, both parties feel comfortable and driven to pursue their own interests and friendships, giving each other the freedom to develop as individuals.
This mutual respect and understanding allows the relationship to thrive, as the partners build each other up, and communicate openly through setbacks – rather than tethering one another to their insecurities and limitations. Instead of relying on one another to generate happiness, or blaming each other for their discontent, interdependent couples take ownership for their emotions, and practice accountability when mistakes are made.
Integrating Interdependence
You might be ready to throw in the towel on the partnership all together – or to work through and heal its codependent characteristics.
Relationships can overcome codependency, beginning with one or both partners incorporating interdependent practices. (20 Signs You’re in a Codependent Relationship)
Whether you choose to stay or leave, it’s time to rebuild the relationship with yourself, as you’ve been neglecting You.
There’s no easy fix to go from codependent to interdependent overnight, but transformation is possible with some behavior modifications.
- Begin by spending periods of time alone.
Without using distractions (such as your phone) as a crutch.
Take a walk, run errands, enjoy a coffee. Solo. You can train yourself to enjoy your own company, and once that happens, you become more selective with the company you keep, and the energy they bring around you. - Discover what your interests are, separate from the influence of your current or former partners.
Try new hobbies and activities, without expecting perfectionism. Often we avoid trying new things if we think there’s a likelihood we’ll be bad/awkward at it. I’m suggesting you emerge in new pastimes for the sake of self-discovery – and with the permission and understanding that you might not be great at them. Keep at it (you may even have some fun along the way). - Allow yourself to be influenced by people who emanate interdependence. Use them as inspiration for your behaviors and attachments in your romantic relationships.
I looked up to a friend who was strong and secure in her attachments. When I felt myself dissolving into my partnership, I pondered “What Would Mary Do?”Would she allow her S.O. to drag her down with him? Be lost in distress during time apart?
Hell no she wouldn’t. She would go on a run, work on a puzzle, elevate herself, and find harmony in whatever she chose to partake in.
So, if I wanted to develop some of the character traits I admired in her, it was time to change how I responded to my environment as well. - Realize it’s not your job to fix your partner.
Instead of shielding your SO from failure, allow them to fall and learn from their mistakes. When you constantly come to their rescue, you do them a disservice by robbing them of the opportunity to grow through natural consequences.
Release your need to be in control, to come to the rescue.
Take a step back to allow your S.O. take charge of their own life. - Leave moralistic judgments out of your decision-making.
You’re not good or bad for staying or leaving, and neither is your partner. Them being a good person isn’t reason enough for you to continue enabling poor behaviors, or to stay in an outgrown relationship. You and your partner can be overall good people and still not be right for each other. - Reflect on your values, and the identity you want to embody.
What have you been sacrificing? Are your daily habits in line with your values? (10 signs you’re in a codependent relationship and what to do about it)
For example, if your codependent relationship brings you constant stress, and anger from fighting, how does that align with your value of peace? If you are constantly canceling on your friends to stay wrapped around your partner, does that support your identity of being a “good friend”? - Set healthy boundaries.
With your significant other and with yourself. Healthy boundaries could be honoring promises made to yourself and other loved ones. Healthy boundaries could be telling your S.O. that you’re not going to come to their rescue next time they make a mess of things. Boundaries don’t force or pressure others to act in a certain way, but they let people know how we will act in response. See the difference between:
“You’re not gonna talk to me like that!” vs “The next time you call me names, I’m just going to end the conversation and leave for awhile.”
P.S.- boundaries aren’t effective unless you follow through!!!
You Got This!
I know, interdependent characteristics can seem like such a challenge to acquire after a long history of codependence. Many of us didn’t have an interdependent role model to look up to in our youth, and these codependent habits have been long ingrained in us, shaping our relationship patterns, standards and self-worth.
Relinquishing your responsibilities over your partner’s outcomes and modifying enmeshed behaviors can feel a bit destabilizing at first when the foundation of your partnership has been built on mutual insecurities.
This isn’t cause for shame or guilt, and it doesn’t mean that you can’t change course- it’s never too late to begin implementing healthier patterns, with the purpose of stepping fully into your own skin, and giving others the space to do the same.
Sources
https://www.relationshipsnsw.org.au/blog/signs-codependent-relationship/
Relationships Australia ; What is a Codependent Relationship and Are You In One?
https://health.clevelandclinic.org/codependent-relationship-signs/
10 Signs You’re in a Codependent Relationship, and What To Do About It Jan 28 2022
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship
20 Signs You’re in a Codependent Relationship & Why it’s Unhealthy by Margaret Paul, PhD, April 12 2023
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Blooming Jasmine
Empowerment Coach + Hypnosis Practitioner + Social Worker + TEFL/TESOL
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