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Should Relationships Be Hard?
Most of us have heard it:
“Relationships take work.”
And that’s true — but not in the way many people think.
For some, “work” has become synonymous with emotional chaos, constant conflict, and carrying the entire relationship on their back.
They assume struggle is noble.
That suffering is a sign of commitment.
That if they just try hard enough, the relationship will magically transform into the kind of partnership they’ve always wanted.
But –
There’s a difference between healthy work and harmful work.
And confusing the two can keep you stuck in relationships that drain you, diminish you, or even damage you.
This article unpacks the glorification of struggle, explores what should and should NOT be hard in a relationship, and offers a grounded way to assess whether your effort is a sign of growth… or a sign you’re in the wrong dynamic.
This is Part 2 in our “Should Relationships Be Easy?” series — and it’s a crucial conversation.
(You can check out Part 1 here)
Why So Many People Normalize Struggle
Many of my coaching clients grew up in environments where emotional labor, unpredictability, and conflict were the norm.
So when they enter adult relationships, they gravitate toward partners who feel familiar — not necessarily healthy.
For them, “work” looks like:
fixing the other person
managing their moods
scanning for signs of disinterest
holding the emotional load alone
rescuing, smoothing, and over-functioning
trying to earn love through effort
They believe the cycle of exhaustion is evidence of devotion.
They think:
“This is just how relationships are.”
And this conditioning keeps many people stuck in relationships that consistently drain them.
Helpful Work vs Harmful Work : Know the Difference
Here’s where we need absolute clarity.
Helpful Work (Growth-Oriented Effort)
Healthy relationships require effort because humans are complex, and bring their own sets of backgrounds, attachment patterning, baggage, and perceptions into the dynamic.
Helpful work includes:
learning each other’s communication styles
repairing after conflict
balancing needs and boundaries
becoming better teammates
building emotional literacy
navigating differences with respect
being willing to hear hard truths
supporting individual and shared growth
Think of the relationship like a dance you’re learning together.
You each have your own rhythm, history, wounds, and preferences.
Finding a sustainable, beautiful flow takes time, coordination, and trust.
There’s friction — but it leads somewhere.
There’s effort — but it strengthens the bond.
Helpful work deepens connection.
Harmful Work (Struggle Love)
Harmful work is a completely different experience — but it’s often mistaken for “normal relationship problems.”
Here’s what harmful work looks like:
constant fights with no real resolution
feeling mentally or emotionally unsafe
being someone’s emotional punching bag, doormat, or workhorse
over-giving while receiving crumbs in return
being strung along with “I need more time”
walking on eggshells
losing your identity to maintain connection
feeling perpetually drained or anxious
justifying someone else’s harmful behavior
hoping all your effort will someday pay off
Exhausting. Depleting. Unnecessary.
Why Healthy Love Still Requires Hard Work
Healthy relationships aren’t effortless fairytales either.
Some things should feel challenging — but in a productive, meaningful way.
Facing Your Blind Spots
A close partner becomes a mirror.
The more intimate the connection, the more it highlights your gaps, wounds, and unresolved patterns.
This can feel confronting — but it’s also transformative.
Balancing Advocacy, Compromise & Letting Go
You’re constantly learning when to:
speak up
collaborate
soften
allow
renegotiate
This kind of work builds relational intelligence.
Receiving Love
If you’re used to over-giving or earning affection, letting someone genuinely care for you can feel foreign — even uncomfortable.
Maintaining Your Own Center
Staying connected to your identity, friendships, purpose, and inner world is hard when you’re deeply bonded with someone.
But imperative.
Co-creating a Rhythm
You’re building a life with someone who has an entirely different history and nervous system.
It takes time to figure out a sustainable “dance.”
This type of work is healthy, human, and expected
What Should NOT Be Hard in a Relationship
Clarity about the relationship
You shouldn’t be guessing where you stand.
Monogamy, exclusivity, direction — these shouldn’t be mysteries.
Respect
Respect is baseline.
You should feel considered, not minimized.
Follow-through
Consistency, and actions that match words.
Emotional safety
You shouldn’t fear being honest, vulnerable, or imperfect.
Mutuality
You shouldn’t be carrying the relationship alone.
If these areas feel hard, it’s a signal that you’re dealing with misalignment – an environment that prevents growth and fulfilment.
It's Time to Get Real
If you’re finding yourself pouring hard work into someone else, ask yourself:
“What am I hoping to gain or avoid with all the effort I put into this relationship?”
Some possibilities:
Am I trying to gain:
identity?
security?
worth?
control?
guarantees?
Am I trying to avoid:
being alone?
facing my own wounds?
acknowledging incompatibility?
dealing with fear or uncertainty?
Your answer will tell you whether you’re doing healthy work —
or reenacting old survival strategies.
Healthy Love is Intentional - Not Exhausting
Healthy relationships are not effortless, nor should they be.
But the effort should lead to:
- growth
- repair
- stability
- clarity
- deeper intimacy
- mutual elevation
If your relationship is leaving you depleted, confused, or chronically anxious, that’s not “normal work.”
It’s a sign something deeper needs attention — or that it may be time to step back.
Reflection Break:
What relationship struggle pushed you to grow — and what struggle simply drained you?
Ready For the Next Step?
If you found this helpful, share it with a friend who might need it too.
And if you’re craving more insights and tools around enhancing your relationships and emotional intelligence, be sure to subscribe to my newsletters and YouTube channel for a little more love and clarity.
* A quick note: Coming from my own lived experiences & the clients I most often work with, you’ll often hear me use heteronormative pronouns. That said, my coaching & content are meant to be inclusive & supportive of people of all gender identities & orientations.
No matter how you identify, you are welcome here.
Jasmine Rodarte (she / her)
BS, ACC, RYT-200, CPSW
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