Photo by Mikoto.raw
When Relationship Anxiety Spikes
Does your heart race?
Does your brain spins countless “what ifs” …
… the moment your partner makes plans without you?
What if things between us are shifting?
What if he’s lying?
What if he’s getting tired of / bored with me?
What if he becomes enchanted by someone new?
What if that someone is better / hotter / cooler / smarter than me?
Or more compatible with him in a million different ways?
You mistake your intense emotions for intuition.
Your obsessions for reality.
You’re dying for the reassurance that he’s still going to choose you, and that everything will remain solid between you.
If you’ve fallen down this type of rabbit hole of intrusive thoughts & over-analytics,
eventually you’re going to react accordingly.
So before you know it, you’ve texted him eight times in a row — which only creates more distance, and makes you feel like you’re going crazy.
You're not crazy, and you're definitely not alone.
Take it from a former social media – stalking, drive-by lurking, phone-snooping professional.
These moments – not my proudest – were largely influenced by gut – wrenching worries that something must be wrong / off / threatened between me and who I was dating.
And by relentless urges to be constantly absorbed in their thoughts, energies, and experiences.
And without physically being there with him to monitor & assess him in action, or to remind him of my presence / closeness, I tormented myself fretting over the worst possible scenarios.
These days I’m pleased to report that these are emotional and behavioral patterns we can all grow out of (phew!).
So if you’re ready to build secure relationships with a sense of ease and flow, and with healthy detachment, read on, friend.
This is part 1 of a 4 part blog series on ‘Managing Relationship Anxiety’, so stay tuned for more over the course of the next few weeks.
First, let's understand why this happens.
You’re constantly torn between scanning for / creating/ excusing / ignoring red flags.
Because everything feels like it’s out of your control, you end up acting out of urgency, seeking reassurance and emotional regulation in some of the only ways you know how.
Cue the barrage of text messages.
The demands to know their every whereabouts, their time tables, the details inside the innermost crevices of their minds, how they REALLY feel about you, and is it the same as they felt a week ago?!
When your decision – making abilities cloud, and you can’t trust your thoughts,
It’s easy to confuse anxiety with intuition.
If your thoughts feel frantic and overwhelming, that’s fear talking.
Your sinking feelings of doubt or suspicion in your stomach …
don’t necessarily indicate that your partner is doing wrong by you.
Or that if they are, it’ll mean the end of the world.
A simple distinction is that your intuition presents as calm, clear, and grounded.
Intuition guides your actions with a level of courage and self-respect.
It reminds you of your innate ability to handle whatever’s thrown at you, without impulses to go witch hunting.
Relationship anxiety isn’t your experience because you’re weak or broken — it’s often because of past experiences of betrayal, abandonment, or instability that left your nervous system wired for threat.
It helps to understand these heightened emotions as body memories.
Not flaws.
And, like wearing glasses with someone else’s prescription,
It prevents you from being able to see reality as it is.
So:
What does this anxiety remind you of?
Chasing love and recognition from caregivers?
Being cheated on in the past?
You might discover that you’re holding on to some old core beliefs which convince you that at some point, everyone leaves, so you’d better prepare for it ahead of time.
What You Can Do Right Now
In order to have a clearer perspective of reality, we have to evaluate past events from an objective stance.
This is a little practice I call “Playing Detective”.
Not to be confused with behaviors of snooping, stalking, or searching for evidence that supports those tattered core beliefs you’re trying to let go of.
You’re going to “play detective” without all that hyper-vigilant energy, and just stick to the facts.
So do your best to leave your fears, intuitions, judgments and interpretations aside for now.
Has your partner given you concrete reason to doubt their loyalty to you?
I.e. have they lied, do they shy away from disclosing information/commitments, do they frequently make social plans without you?
Have you had a conversation with them about your concerns, and if so, how did that conversation go?
I.e. Did they express consideration for your feelings? Was there a resolution to the conversation? How did you approach them – was it from an accusatory place, or from a place of curiosity that invited dialogue?
Take note of any data that you’ve picked up over the course of your relationship.
And find a time that you can initiate a heart to heart conversation, which will give you the necessary information on how to proceed.
Dr Emily Morse from “Sex with Emily” often uses the phrase “Timing, Tone, and Turf” as a foundation for these challenging talks.
So the keys here are :
– Intentionally select a suitable time. Face to face, to eliminate misunderstandings that happen via text or phone when there’s an absence of nonverbals.
Try your damndest not to spring this up while you’re both trying to fall asleep, on your way out the door to go to work, or when your partner is in the middle of something pressing that’s requiring their attention.
– Keep the tone of the conversation calm and curious, and avoid speaking in absolutes, i.e. “You never; you always”.
When we approach others from a place of accusation or blame, their natural reflex is usually to get defensive, dig their heels in, or to retreat from you entirely, which only exacerbates the distance and ambiguity you’re trying to move away from.
A tip here is to keep yourself as emotionally regulated as possible before the conversation by engaging in activities that make you feel good, blowing off some steam through exercise, and practicing grounding and breathing techniques during the convo whenever you feel yourself getting heightened.
– Choose a setting that invites comfort and honesty. A loud bar or crowded public setting likely inhibits one’s ability to open up about private details. Pick turf for your conversation that offers privacy and emotional safety, like going on a walk, or over dinner at home.
I’d love to hear how it goes for you, and remember, if it doesn’t go the way you’d hoped, I’d encourage you to still think of it as a win.
In the process, you’re flexing your emotional maturity & communication muscles. And you both are receiving a little more information and clarity for your next steps to take. Whether that means together or solo(a).
Lastly,
If you’re tired of feeling like “the crazy girlfriend” or totally out of control, over the course of the next few weeks we’re going to flip that script by picking up practical tools to soothe and steady the mind and body.
In the next post, we’ll look at how to take back control when the panic feels overwhelming.
Ready For the Next Step?
If you found this helpful, share it with a friend who might need it too.
And if you’re craving more insights and tools around enhancing your relationships and emotional intelligence, be sure to subscribe to my newsletters and YouTube channel for a little more love and clarity.
* A quick note: Coming from my own lived experiences & the clients I most often work with, you’ll often hear me use heteronormative pronouns. That said, my coaching & content are meant to be inclusive & supportive of people of all gender identities & orientations. No matter how you identify, you are welcome here.
Jasmine Rodarte (she / her)
BS, ACC, RYT-200, CPSW
