Managing Ourselves - How to Conflict Better
If you have a pulse and exist in this world, inevitably you experience conflicts and arguments, be it with a loved one, a stranger, or someone in between. Our patterns of how we respond to and manage conflict may vary depending on who is involved (perhaps you manage conflict in the workplace with more grace and resolve than at home, for example). Most of us could benefit from making some improvements in the way we handle ourselves outwardly and/or inwardly during the more difficult, triggering, and irksome conflicts.
Conflict is a necessary part of life. When we allow it, conflict offers us opportunities to develop our relationships, challenge unproductive ways of thinking, and gain valuable lessons. While it can be painful, infuriating, and bothersome, we don’t have to succumb to our reactionary impulses, as we can evolve to work through interpersonal discord more efficiently
When We Poorly Manage Conflict
For many, our conflicts tend to spiral into futile arguments. Be honest- when in the throes of an argument or heated clash do you:
- Assert your point of view until you’re blue in the face, regardless of it resonating with the other party? (Phew, exhausting)
- Resort to insults, name-calling, and put-downs ? (Oof, can’t take back what I said)
- Bring up past grievances? (I said I would leave that in the past but…)
- Always gotta have the last word? (And another thing…)
- Try to recruit other people to “be on your side?” (You know who you are!)
While common, (and in a cinematic sense, entertaining) these responses are neither healthy nor productive , and (for the sake of our sanity, health, and relationships) indicate there is room for improvement.
Especially those of you who are reading this and thinking to yourselves:
“But it’s just the way I am. It’s in my nature to argue.”
“But I’m right and they’re wrong, and they have to realize that .”
“But the drama just feels too good.” (Again, you know who you are!)
All of these thoughts are completely valid. No one wants to be disrespected, uncomfortable, subjected to nonsense. And sure, it can feel really satisfying to let out your steam, put someone in their place, prove how right you are, and not back down.
Think back to the last conflict you were in. Regardless of how the other party acted, could you have better managed your outward behavior, or your inner responses?
So You Suck at Managing Conflict. Where has it gotten you?
(You frequent fighters, I’m looking at you).
When I explored with my group the risks of poor conflict resolution, the general consensus is that when they lose their temper, unleash their tongue without filter, it has led to:
- Broken relationships (“Guess we will never be close again”)
- Turning to substances or other unhealthy distractions to “numb out” or “calm down” (“God, I need a drink after that shit”)
- Regret (“I probably shouldn’t have brought up that thing he did 3 years ago, but…”)
- A general feeling of negativity, either with themselves, a specific person, a certain “type” of people, or just people in general (“Why do I always let her get the best of me?”)
- Reinforcing of a pattern that becomes even more challenging to distance from. (“It’s just the way I’ve always been. I don’t see any other way of dealing with him.”)
If we learn to work through interpersonal discord consciously, it can lead to greater feelings of satisfaction than having that last saucy word.
So.
What do we do?
How Can We Better Manage Conflict (And Ourselves)?
Argue mindfully! This means arguing in a way that doesn’t bring you guilt or regret, and that doesn’t invite additional negativity or separation.
The Don’t’s:
- NO NAME-CALLING OR PUT-DOWNS! I don’t care who it is, what they said to you, what kind of trashy life they’re living… don’t get sucked into the insults-match . Be the bigger person. (I know, it’s so hard, especially when that slick comeback is just DYING to slip off your tongue to deliver a deep sting *tssss*)
- You don’t need to have the last word, drill your points into them, point out all the reasons that they’re wrong/dumb/inferior. No one likes to lose an argument, and when in the middle of a fight, most folks won’t accept defeat even if they realize they’re in the wrong. (I know you’re right and they’re wrong though
jk )
The Do’s:
- Use I-statements and focus on your feelings and thoughts. (No, “I feel like you’re being an asshole” doesn’t count. Better to say “I felt really annoyed when you said __. I thought it was disrespectful, considering ___.”)
- Leave the past in the past. Especially if it’s something that you’d previously said you’ve forgiven them for. Don’t hold someone as prisoner of their past while expecting them to be better at present. Focus on the issue at hand, not their mistake from three years ago.
- Pick a main talking point, refer to examples as needed, and don’t allow the argument to stray to various topics. When layers keep getting added to the fight, it loses direction and can quickly get out of control.
I Did It! I Want to Take My Conflict Management Skills to the Next Level!
The Next level challenge:
So you’ve managed to do the Do’s and didn’t do the Don’t’s, hooray! If you’re ready to take your conflict resolution skills to the next level, see if you can…
- Get curious about the other person (“What might that person have experienced/been taught that makes them think or behave that way?”)
- Find something you can appreciate about the other person, and/or their message. (While it may be impossible for you to appreciate someone being in favor of building a bullshit wall, for example, maybe you can appreciate their value on community)
- Within that appreciation, seek to find common ground. (You may have a completely different idea of what/who enhances a community, but perhaps your value is coming from a similar place)
- Express that understanding, and do what you need to do for yourself. (Maybe hearing your understanding opens the door for a more constructive conversation. Or maybe it’s time to calmly remove yourself from the interaction).
Next Level Arguing could be initiated like this:
“You know Lenny, I’m hearing that your anger towards immigrants comes from a fear of the unknown. While I don’t agree with your rhetoric nor the policies you support, I can understand being worried about your way of life changing. Thanks for the chat, and take care.”
While effective, it isn’t necessarily a perfect formula, as some humans are exceptionally difficult to deal with and won’t let you walk away feeling much peace of mind. In these instances, I invite you to leave the encounter asking yourself two questions:
- What can I learn from this conversation/this person?
- What parts of this conversation or these thoughts can I laugh about later?
You just might be surprised.
If you’d like to take your conflict management skills a step further with the help of coaching, visit my page and book your free discovery call to learn more about my services. Don’t forget to subscribe for newsletters, and share some love if you found this helpful.
Blooming Jasmine
+ Empowerment Coach + Hypnosis Practitioner + Social Worker +TEFL/TESOL
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