Other emotions have their place too.
What is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity is a manner that promotes positive thinking to antidote all negative expressions and feelings.
It’s the idea that you should merrily turn those lemons into lemonade, even when you’d be better served by the relief of just smashing the damn lemons instead.
Toxic positivity’s simplistic focus that one should just be happy now, rejects the emotional complexities of the human experience.
Life is filled with highs and lows, periods of fulfillment, confusion, joy, anguish, love, grief. You won’t be exempt from that emotional range by pretending it’s all a bed-of-roses (the only way to avoid the flux is through death…how’s that for positive? 😉 ). Rather than striving to float on a constant stream of happiness (impossible), we should become better equipped to ride the waves. ‘Cuz that shit’s bound to get choppy.
The Intention Behind It
(When Positivity is Accidentally Toxic)
While people mean no harm in their TP, pressing happiness upon oneself or others at the wrong time tends to be counterproductive.
When others come to you to vent, you may encourage them to “look on the bright side” because you want to pull them out of the sadness and discomfort they are experiencing. Maybe you don’t know what to say in moments like these, and could use a little direction in how you respond to pain being expressed and experienced.
You probably heard that your problems could diminish if you were to “just think happy thoughts”, so you try to shrug off your pain and Just Smile.
But you realize, that phony smile is getting heavier to keep plastering on.
And now your eye keeps twitching.
And your happy thoughts aren’t making you happy.
So what gives?
The Costs of Toxic Positivity
(We can’t afford it!)
Research finds that the fixation on happiness leads people to set high standards for their happiness; and are later crushed when their current state fails to match those standards. (Ford, B., & Mauss, I.)
Furthermore, this fixation on attaining happiness and monitoring of it pulls people away from experiencing the benefits of presence. Lastly, when one tries to fix their problems by focusing on happiness, without acquiring sufficient coping skills, their problems tend to fester. People will seek out happiness through the external– activities, situations, and people that may not ultimately serve their happiness, ultimately widening the gap between them and their desired emotion.
How Toxic Positivity is Practiced...
Internally:
- Suppressing painful emotions in hopes that they’ll dissolve if you just think positively
- Feeling guilty for not feeling better than you do
- Telling yourself you don’t have the right to feel what you’re feeling
- Convincing yourself that it’s okay to endure intolerable situations (Suck it up)
Externally:
Responding to someone sharing a challenge or pain with :
- “It’s not that bad”
- “It’s part of God’s/the Universe’s plan”
- “You should be grateful you still have____.”
- “Everything will work out the way it’s supposed to.”
How Toxic Positivity Hurts
Unintentionally, your toxically positive remark left the person on the receiving end:
- Feeling unsupported
- Feeling invalidated
- Thinking their experience was being dismissed
- Thinking their pain was being minimized
- Deciding you were the wrong person to open up to
**When you practice TP on yourself, the effects are also harmful.
We needn’t stifle our true expression like a one-dimensional Stepford Wife…
Creepy…
Why Some Negativity is Okay
Just as we can’t have the sunshine without the night, we can’t have joy without sorrow. We can’t define bliss without understanding it’s opposite despair.
Humans experience a life-long range of emotions and when we accept all of them, we learn how to regulate and transform them as needed.
Emotions are layered, and we benefit from peeling them back, discovering their patterns, roots, triggers, and accompanying beliefs. Each emotion has the potential to serve our growth in some way, so constant masking the ones we find unpleasant can stunt our progress and resiliency.
How to Avoid Toxic Positivity:
- Identify versus Ignore your negative emotions
- Accept all emotions as inescapable parts of life
- In the throes of pain, remind yourself “this too shall pass”.
- Validate and support those around you who express their woes.
And remember:
People don’t want/expect you to have their answers or to find their silver lining.
"But I'm a positive person"
Great! I think we could all agree that the world needs positive people spreading their joy around. And good news! You can forego toxically positive tendencies and STILL be a ray of sunshine to others. Consider the following avoidable TP phrases and their healthier counterparts.
**BONUS: Think of more TP phrases that you are ready to transform from your vocabulary to self and others
- I just need to focus on the positive.
- This is really hard. I can't see the lesson/positivity in this now, but I know I can in time.
- "Don't cry. You'll be alright."
- "Let it out. You have to go through it to get through it."
- "Just try to focus on _____ instead
- "I can tell how painful this is for you. I'm here for you."
In Summary
By primarily focusing on attaining happiness, we will find ourselves further separated from it. We can build an inner nurturing by accepting, rather than suppressing the various emotions we experience. In doing so, we become more adept at coping with life’s hurdles, and can begin to utilize those negative emotions more productively. When we abandon our toxically positive thoughts and behaviors, we create space for authenticity and resilience, becoming a better support to ourselves and others along the way.
Sources:
- Ford, B., & Mauss, I. (2014). The paradoxical effects of pursuing positive emotion. In J. Gruber & J. T. Moskowitz (Eds.), Positive emotion: Integrating the light sides and dark sides (pp. 363–382). Oxford University Press.
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Blooming Jasmine
+ Empowerment Coach + Hypnosis Practitioner + Social Worker +TEFL/TESOL
