When Online Dating is Ugly
“”You’ve got to be f***ing kidding me” I thought, as my date audaciously let me in on a secret- he had a girlfriend at home who would be pissed to know of his whereabouts and whoabouts.
“Check please” I requested the server, urgently. I wasn’t here to become a side piece.
“Oh, I forgot my wallet….” My date’s shamelessness had no bounds.
“F***ing fantastic” I thought again, resentfully paying for both of us, and moments later refusing an advance to kiss.
On my solo ride home, I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry.
(I had to laugh).
Another one bites the dust.
The Good and the Bad of Online Dating
Either you’ve said it, thought it, or heard it from someone else: “Dating apps suck”.
The use of apps to find romantic partners has become a double-edged sword.
On the one hand, we can lounge in our sweats and swipe our phones to our heart’s (dis)content, previewing potential suitors without ever needing to leave the couch.
Convenient, efficient, and straightforward.
But on the other hand, many times our “matches” turn out to be jerks. They stand us up, waste our time, and during shitty dates, we wish we’d never left the couch.
Disappointing, offensive, and confusing.
But in this busy digital age, dating apps aren’t going anywhere, with one in three U.S. adults having used at least one of the online platforms, and 12% of them having found a committed, long-term partner (Virtues and downsides to online Dating). Obviously, a committed, monogamous relationship isn’t everyone’s intention, and plenty of folks have found contentment in the apps with more casual connections as well.
Regardless your goal for hopping on a dating app, be it to get a ring, go for a romp, or something in between, I’d like to share some strategies to boost your satisfaction with online dating. As it’s been expressed, “It’s a jungle out there.”
Tips to Enhance the Dating App Experience
The Prep
Put specifics in your profile to avoid conflicting on fundamentals
This is a no brainer. For example, If you loathe the idea of getting stuck on a contentious date with someone on the opposite end of the political spectrum, include that requirement in your profile. If you are closed off to polygamy, long-distance relationships, and any other absolutes, ensure that this is either in your profile or communicated prior to meeting. Some people try to make their profiles as universally pleasing as possible to rack up more matches, only to find out the arduous way that they could have filtered out half of them.Keep your communications via the app brief.
Match with someone, have a few exchanges (Hopefully they can muster up a more substantive greeting besides a generic “hey”), make a plan to meet.
Do NOT spend weeks in a back and forth exchange before meeting. This allows too much time to build someone up in your head before meeting in person to determine actual chemistry. Be wary of those shady time-wasters who only want to talk on the app and are avoidant when you ask to meet in person.Make the first date short and convenient
I cannot emphasize how revolutionary this was for me. Determined not to suffer through another 2 hour dinner where I didn’t get a word in because a date insisted on talking about Burning Man* the whole time, I decided enough was enough. No more gambling with my precious weekends; I needed a screening process. So I began scheduling quick first dates in less- valuable time slots, such as meeting for a coffee on my way to work, or at the park where I could knock out a dog walk too. If the dates didn’t go well, it was no real inconvenience, and I still had my weekends to enjoy without disruption.*I’m not hating on Burning Man, just on people that hold their dates as a captive audience for self-absorbed monologues*
The Mindset
Keep your standards high and your expectations low.
When you go on a date with pressure on this person to be your next knight in shining armor, it prevents organic “flow”. Thus, you act inauthentically by trying too hard to be impressive, or by forcing a connection. Likewise, when you go into a date with excessive expectations and your date turns out to be less than you built them up in your head, the disappointment can interfere with your communication towards that person, who just might be a quality candidate if you pumped the brakes a bit. You can have high standards as to who you want to allow into your romantic life (please do), but keep in mind that your unachievable expectations of the date might weed out someone who could meet those high standards in time.Identify good qualities they might bring to the table
Even if you don’t want to sit at their table.
I.e. You don’t share her love of triathlons, but someone out there will find it enticing (maybe even a friend of yours).Ask yourself what you can give in each situation
Even if it’s just a compliment, some humor, a piece of encouragement, a piece of advice. Initiate that good dating karma. You get back what you put into the world, so do your part to contribute positively- Ask yourself what you can take away from each situation.
Maybe the dates that don’t go so well can be considered as “practice runs”, similar to interviewing somewhere you don’t see yourself working, because it helps you build skill and settle your nerves for something more befitting.Some dates just suck and it doesn’t seem like there’s any valuable takeaways. Can you laugh about it later (like I did with the broke cheater)? Vent with friends over a bottle of wine? Maybe there’s a lesson to be found that isn’t obvious yet but will reveal itself in time, if you are willful to find it.
The Aftermath
Understand that a lack of spark doesn’t make anyone a bad person.
You had nothing in common, there was no chemistry, they didn’t look like their profile picture, you can’t wait to get out of the boring date and go home. Afterwards you affirm to yourself that “there’s no good ones out there” and it feeds into your discouragement, your overall jaded attitude towards dating.
Instead, distinguish between a bad match and a bad character. Many people you come across on dating apps might not be your cup of tea, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re lost in a sea of assholes.- Remember that rejection is just protection and redirection.
Don’t take it personally when someone doesn’t reciprocate your interest, as it is not a reflection on your self-worth. Consider it a blessing that you have the answer you need to eliminate someone who isn’t right for you. Because if they didn’t choose you, they aren’t right for you. Period. Now move on. - As much as you can avoid it, do not ghost anyone.
Too many people are running around with their poor behavior unchecked, leaving behind a trail of scorned dates who are too miffed to point out the specifics of what bothered them. Before you block or ghost the jerk, send a follow up message to them, citing examples of their poor or inappropriate conduct in a constructive way. I know, there is the hesitation of “Why is it up to me to school these fools on decent behavior?” Think of it as a public service- they might use your feedback to do better with the next date.
But above all…
Date Yourself!
Don’t wait around for someone else to treat you to dinner, experiences, flowers (these days you’re probably more likely to get flowers if you buy them yourself anyway 😉 ).
You don’t need a suitor for an excuse to dress up and take yourself out if you’re craving a night on the town. You don’t need a partner in order to book that trip you want to take, or to comfort you at the end of a long day. If you aren’t used to being alone, it can feel awkward at first, but so did riding a bike without training wheels, and you managed to power through and master that, didn’t ya?
Nurture your non-romantic relationships to feel quality connections (and to expand your social network). Surround yourself with aesthetically-pleasing items, and treat yourself as you would in a hot relationship. Bubble baths, candle-lit dinners, walks on the beach (I’m being cheeky here…also I never say cheeky in real life, but you feel me). Fall in love with yourself (from head to toe *ow oww*) and when the right one(s) comes around, they will be a bonus to the delicious life you’ve already crafted.
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Blooming Jasmine
+ Empowerment Coach + Hypnosis Practitioner + Social Worker +TEFL/TESOL
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