Photo by Engin Akyurt
How to Break Free From Your Anxious Loop
It’s 10pm and you’re checking your phone for the millionth time, snooping through his social media accounts (and all his friends’) to keep tabs.
Against your better judgement and vow to yourself, you send yet another text to “check in”, or make yourself visible and then you fixate on the response (or lack thereof).
This obsession causes you to question your worth on a bone-deep level, which sends you down a rabbit hole of self-doubt and gnawing insecurity.
You beat yourself up for falling into the same patterns time and time again, whenever you meet someone you’re really into.
You yearn for peace of mind, confidence, and the ability to direct your attention anywhere else beyond your anxious looping.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
And I’m here to help you break that anxious loop to regain a sense of control over your reactions to the insecurities that can get triggered when you start to catch feelings.
Today is part 3 of 4 in our ‘Managing Relationship Anxiety Series’, and we are movin’ n groovin’ right into practical steps you can apply in the moment when you feel yourself spiraling out of control.
(Be sure to check out the other blogs in this series for more insights and tips on this subject).
Ever Notice the Loop?
Your behaviors might be so automatic that you don’t distinguish the phases of the loop:
Trigger → Reaction → Undesirable outcome.
An example here being:
There’s space between you (trigger) → You panic and call (reaction) → He pulls away (undesirable reaction) → And/or tension grows (undesirable reaction).
So you try extra hard to be seen, to be impressive / useful / attractive / close …
And yet you feel the opposite as a result.
So you put your efforts into overdrive to keep him from slipping away.
Dizzying yourself in the loop until things fizzle out or come to a screeching halt.
How to Flip the Script
Rather than anxiously waiting for his texts and attention, you could start anticipating your own plans.
Instead of “What’s he doing?” the question becomes: “What do I want to do with this time?”
Space doesn’t have to feel threatening, and once you flip the script, you can become empowered by what previously triggered you.
What if, instead of perceiving time apart as threatening, you saw it as an opportunity?
- Time to see your own friends
- Space to focus on goals and self-development
- Freedom to try things he’s not into
- A chance to recharge and reconnect with yourself
A Quick Reset for Relationship Anxiety
Let’s put this disruption of the anxious loop into practice.
He’s not answering your texts. Your thoughts spiral. You’re seconds away from blowing up his phone.
Pause. Breathe.
You don’t have to let panic run the show.
You don’t have to shame yourself for feeling the way that you do.
You can surf that wave of panic without blowing up his phone — and without blowing up the relationship.
The Reset Practice
- Name it (to tame it!) “I feel anxious/rejected/uncertain (rate 1–10).”
- Validate it. “It makes sense because ___ (my past, the uncertainty, not yet knowing how to reframe this).”
- Choose a response. “What I can do to honor myself right now is ___ (call a friend, journal, go for a walk).”
Mindfully Responding vs Automatically Reacting
Once time apart is no longer viewed as triggering or threatening, you have more agency to choose an intentional response instead of reacting on autopilot.
The results?
– Improved self- esteem for acting in self-respect.
-Enjoyment from engaging in activities that nurture your soul.
– Tighter bonds with people who matter.
– Leveling up in skills, knowledge, and hobbies.
– Uplifted sense of worth and attraction
Breaking Free
The keys to your peace of mind doesn’t lie in forcing closeness or certainty with anyone.
You can break free from your anxious loops by bringing awareness to the phases, and responding mindfully.
Be patient with yourself.
Instilling new habits takes time and patience, but the results are well worth it.
If you’re ready to take the next step towards more harmonious dating, be sure to check out my free guide, The Seven Habits Keeping You Stuck in Unfulfilling Relationships.
It’s designed to help you identify and break free from these patterns, so you can embrace healthier, more fulfilling connections.
* A quick note: Coming from my own lived experiences & the clients I most often work with, you’ll often hear me use heteronormative pronouns. That said, my coaching & content are meant to be inclusive & supportive of people of all gender identities & orientations.
No matter how you identify, you are welcome here.
Jasmine Rodarte (she / her)
BS, ACC, RYT-200, CPSW
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