Photo by Alexander Krivitskiy
Do You Feel Powerless to Your Relationship Panic?
How many times has a date or interaction sent you over the moon –
Only for you to come crashing down moments or hours later?
Maybe you began ridiculing yourself over something you said, or began to freak out about nuances in the conversation.
Before you know it, you’re up all night obsessing over the minutiae in all of your previous texts, desperate for access into the behind-the scene mysteries that exist in his head…
When the state of your mood, self-worth, and emotional well-being is dependent on your (perceived) standing with another, you feel as if you are in a tireless game of over-functioning and mental gymnastics.
One worry begets another, leaving you feeling out of control, like you’re flailing from one panic to the next.
Last week, we contrasted Relationship Anxiety versus Intuition (check it out if you haven’t already), and today is all about letting go of control and stopping overthinking.
If you’re ready to come up for air and reclaim some of the energy you’ve been dumping into the unknown, let’s jump into Part 2 of our 4 week “Managing Relationship Anxiety” series.
Letting Go of Relationship Control
Relationship panic often spikes from:
– Your partner doing things without you. (What’s be going to be thinking/ doing/ who will he be with?!)
– Feeling uncertainty over the future. (What are we, where are we going, what can I do to ensure I hold on to him?!)
– Doubting their level of interest or commitment. (Will he be loyal/ does he really mean it when he says X, Y, and Z?!)
– Feeling left out or inferior to them in some way. (Am I really his type? His ex seemed like such a baddie. How can I match up to her? What happens when he sees me for who I REALLY am?)
We fret in advance about all the myriad things that could go wrong – as if it could spare us from experiencing hurdles, pain, and concerns down the road.
This sort of relationship hypervigilance is not only exhausting, but it also pulls you out of the reality that exists in the present moment, making it damn near difficult to enjoy the process of dating and building connection with anyone.
Separation of Tasks in Relationships
Begin to notice when these thoughts arise, and understand them as urges to have certainty over the future.
And as attempts to ‘crystal-ball’ your way into peace of mind and security – which ends up having the opposite effect.
No matter who you are, you can begin to let go of grasping/ controlling/ managing the outcomes in your relationship or situationship, and create freedom of thought and action by a concept called the “separation of tasks”.
The separation of tasks is a facet of 20th century Adlerian psychology, and has since been popularized by the book ‘The Courage to Be Disliked’ by Ichiro Kishima and Fumitaki Koga.
In a nutshell, when we can distinguish which responsibilities, or “tasks” are ours to hold, vs which tasks belong to others, we can practice letting go of what is within or beyond our locus of control.
Setting aside the shit that was never yours to own or understand in the first place promotes your autonomy and reminds you to stay in your own damn lane, allowing others to do the same.
What's Beyond Your Control
In order to begin the process of letting go, let’s clarify what you have no control over:
- Other people’s choices, beliefs, and actions – this includes their habits, what they choose to do with their lives, and what kind of filters through which they see the world.
- What happened to you in the past – from your childhood through yesterday, the past is over and can’t be altered.
- Intense emotions flaring up or triggered- this is typically an automatic response from past experiences or core beliefs and not consciously chosen.
- How people decide to feel and think about you – sure, you can try to influence their opinions, but ultimately they’ll interpret you as they do.
Letting go of these tasks or burdens does not suggest that you become indifferent to them.
You’re human, after all.
But when you find yourself pouring way too much thought and energy into these “tasks” or burdens, that’s a signal that you’re paddling upstream… during a monsoon.
Put the oars down and ride it out, no matter how bumpy and stormy it might feel.
To a degree, successful relationships require us to relax into the unknown.
What's Within Your Control
Not to fear, dear one. There’s way more within your control than you might be acknowledging.
You can reclaim some of your power by shifting your focus onto:
- How you interpret past experiences – and how you relate to those experiences today.
- Communicating your needs and boundaries
- Walking away, rather than chasing breadcrumbs or settling for mistreatment.
- Tending to your own growth and well-being.
- How you respond or react when your attachment wounds are triggered.
- Whether or not you try to force a dynamic to work when it’s clear that it doesn’t align with your values.
The Takeaway
The work of managing relationship anxiety isn’t about becoming perfectly detached.
And security doesn’t come from finally figuring out what’s going on in someone else’s head — it’s about learning where your power actually resides, and making the healthiest choices you can for yourself, moment by moment.
When you stop managing other people’s trajectories and start mastering your own, the panic begins to loosen its grip.
The magic happens when you decide to stop rowing against the current — when you trust that even if someone drifts away, you’ll still be okay.
You realize that peace was never hiding in their validation, or in some grand juncture of assurance or certainty.
Peace exists in your ability to choose yourself, again and again.
As you move through this week, start practicing the separation of tasks by paying attention to the moments you start spinning out over what someone else is thinking or doing.
Notice when you’re carrying what’s not yours, and gently hand it back — through stillness, boundaries, or simply awareness. Take a breath and ask yourself:
“What’s actually mine to carry?”
Every time you make that distinction, you reclaim a little more of your energy, your confidence, and your power to love, and choose, from a grounded, secure place.
And stay tuned for the rest of the content inside this “Managing Relationship Anxiety” series to keep building that inner steadiness.
References
* A quick note: Coming from my own lived experiences & the clients I most often work with, you’ll often hear me use heteronormative pronouns. That said, my coaching & content are meant to be inclusive & supportive of people of all gender identities & orientations.
No matter how you identify, you are welcome here.
Jasmine Rodarte (she / her)
BS, ACC, RYT-200, CPSW
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