When You Just Can't Stop ... Even Though You Know Better
You said you wouldn’t do this again.
But you got wrapped up in someone so tightly — and here you are.
Over-sharing.
Word-vomiting.
Checking your phone every few seconds.
Trying to pin them down.
Striving to be chosen.
And the worst part is… you know better.
It’s like you’re watching yourself do it in real time,
but you can’t stop.
Then afterward, the shame spiral hits.
You want to crawl into a hole and disappear.
If you’ve ever wondered why you keep chasing emotionally unavailable partners or why dating anxiety takes over even when nothing is “wrong” …
Let’s talk about what’s actually happening.
Why Chasing Feels So Automatic
This urge comes online fast — almost instantly — when we meet someone we like.
We try to fast-track intimacy by oversharing:
our pain, our history, our dreams, our inner world.
Because on some level, we believe:
“If I can just pull them closer, I’ll finally feel relief.”
Relief from the doubt, the restlessness.
Relief from the uncertainty of where we stand.
Even when things are moving forward,
it still doesn’t feel fast enough.
The Dopamine Loop Behind Chasing Behavior
This isn’t a personal failing.
This shit is chemical.
Your brain is responding to a cue —
and doing exactly what it’s been trained to do:
crave and chase a reward.
When you’re really into someone (even if you don’t know them well yet),
they become the cue.
- Closeness becomes the craving
- Security becomes the reward
And the reward comes in microdoses:
- a reassuring text
- affection
- attention
- feeling chosen, even briefly
If your nervous system hasn’t developed other ways to self-regulate,
that person becomes your primary source of relief.
They’re the itchy mosquito bite and the calamine lotion.
Why It's Never Enough (Even When They Reassure You)
When relief only comes from someone else, it never lasts.
So you keep scratching.
Even when they respond.
Even when they reassure you.
Even when nothing is technically wrong.
There’s still that urge to close the gap —
to eliminate distance, uncertainty, waiting.
The anticipation alone creates a dopamine hit —
just enough to keep you running on the hamster wheel.
This is why dating anxiety doesn’t disappear with reassurance
and why chasing behaviors often intensify instead of resolve.
When You Stop "Doing Too Much" but Still Feel Consumed
Maybe you’ve learned how to “behave” and stop yourself from acting on the impulse.
But internally?
You’re still replaying conversations.
Still scanning tone and timing. Creating interpretations. Catastrophizing outcomes.
You’re living in their head instead of your body.
Space as the Antidote
If you’re doing the most with nothing to show for it
but an anxious mind and a foot in your mouth,
it’s time to slow down.
You don’t need answers.
You don’t need reassurance.
You. Need. Space.
Space is where:
- choice comes back online
- impulsive reactions lose momentum
- intuition becomes audible again
Because when you’re consumed, you can’t see clearly,
and what you’re chasing may actually be wrong for you.
What Creating Space Actually Looks Like
Space is not punishment or manipulation.
It’s not being cold or unavailable.
It’s about interrupting the craving–response loop
so your nervous system can settle.
This might look like:
- Putting your phone on Do Not Disturb for parts of the day
- Pausing before responding to texts to check in with yourself
- Texting with intention, not to soothe anxiety
You can still be playful, flirty, warm, and human.
The difference is you’re no longer seeking (or hunting down) reassurance and validation through your communication.
If you’re in someone’s orbit 24/7,
your system doesn’t have the space it needs to regulate.
Even obsessing when you’re not together
keeps the loop alive.
Space only works when you create new sources of reward.
Rebuilding Self-Trust Through the Nervous System
You build self-trust through learning how to stay with yourself,
in your body when connection feels uncertain.
Not through more self-control.
Or through suppressing desire.
And self-trust is what we’ll begin rebuilding next — through a simple somatic practice to help you stay regulated.
So you don’t have to keep chasing security and comfort outside yourself.
Ready For the Next Step?
If you found this helpful, share it with a friend who might need it too.
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* A quick note: Coming from my own lived experiences & the clients I most often work with, you’ll often hear me use heteronormative pronouns. That said, my coaching & content are meant to be inclusive & supportive of people of all gender identities & orientations.
No matter how you identify, you are welcome here.
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