Are Your High Expectations Killing Your Relationships?
If your dating life feels like a loop of intense hope followed by disappointment, your expectations may be sabotaging your relationships long before they have a chance to grow.
And no, this isn’t about lowering your standards.
It’s about lowering the stakes.
There’s a difference.
Standards protect you.
Stakes pressure you.
And most people unknowingly date with stakes so high, no human being could ever satisfy them.
Let’s break down exactly how this happens, why it leads to anxiety and self-abandonment, and what you can do to navigate dating from a place of clarity and self-respect.
The Soulmate Trap: The Illusion that Keeps You Stuck
The biggest trap many women fall into — especially those with anxious or codependent tendencies — is believing that every new romantic interest could be “The One.”
When you assign that label too early, you’re no longer relating to the real person in front of you.
You’re relating to:
a projection
a fantasy
an imagined future
a script you wrote in your head
You start filling in their gaps with who you want them to be.
The problem?
No human can carry the weight of your longing, fear, future hopes, unmet needs, and dreams of “forever” — especially when they don’t even know you that well yet.
When someone feels like the answer to your loneliness, your uncertainty, or your sense of incompleteness, the stakes skyrocket…
And the connection collapses.
Outsourcing Your Worth: How High Expectations Create Pressure
When you expect someone to complete you, validate you, or rescue your life from dissatisfaction, you place your emotional security in the hands of a stranger.
If they pull away?
You don’t just lose the person — you lose the fantasy future you built.
And that hurts more.
This creates:
panic
scarcity
urgency
clinginess
“this HAS to work out” energy
That pressure affects both of you.
You begin moving from fear instead of grounded desire.
They feel overburdened, confused, or even repelled — not because you’re “too much,” but because the emotional load is way too heavy, way too fast.
Dating becomes performance, not connection.
Fantasy - Focused Dating: When You Ignore Reality
When you’re chasing a soulmate, you’re not looking for compatibility — you’re looking for confirmation.
You start seeing the relationship through rose-tinted glasses:
overlooking red flags
rationalizing mixed signals
ignoring incompatibilities
clinging to the “maybe someday”s
You catch yourself thinking things like:
“Maybe he’ll want commitment eventually.”
“What if I leave and then he changes?”
“I can’t walk away — we could be perfect.”
Here’s the truth you need to hear:
The person in front of you is the only version that exists.
Not the one you hope they’ll become.
Projection blinds you to reality.
Reality is what relationships are built on.
It’s time to rewrite this narrative.
You don’t need to settle for someone who drags you down, prevents you from flourishing, or brings out the worst in you.
True love is a partnership—a meeting of equals who inspire, support, and uplift each other.
How Neediness Leaks Out
When you’re dating with a fantasy mindset, your anxiety starts showing up in behaviors that feel subtle to you but are very noticeable to the other person.
The leakage looks like:
initiating exclusivity way too early
abandoning your friends, hobbies, or goals to be available
monitoring how quickly they text back
dropping hints about commitment
pouting, withdrawing, or becoming passive-aggressive when things don’t accelerate
gripping tighter when you sense distance
This dynamic communicates:
“I need you so that I feel worthy, and I need this to work out so my life can feel okay.”
But the ugly reality is:
Desperation repels the very thing you want.
Not because you’re unworthy, but because pressure distorts connection.
Overinvesting Early Cheapens Your Worth
When you’re scared to lose someone, you start performing.
You over-give.
Overpromise.
Overaccommodate.
Overinvest.
You begin presenting a curated version of yourself — one you think is more likable, less complicated, easier to love.
But this has an unintended effect:
It communicates to the other person that you don’t value yourself — which makes them less likely to value you.
Think of it like walking into a high-end boutique.
As soon as you step inside, an overly eager clerk shoves a dress at you:
“This one is PERFECT. You have to buy it!”
You’d barely looked around.
You don’t know if it fits your style.
Maybe it’s beautiful… but the icky pressure sends you running for the door.
So… How Do You Keep Expectations from Ruining Everything?
Here’s how you lower the stakes without lowering your standards:
1. Stop future-fantasizing.
Stay present with who the person is today, not who you want them to become.
2. Fill your life with things that ground you.
When your world is big and rich, one person doesn’t become the only source of meaning.
3. Let people reveal themselves.
Patterns > potential.
4. Move at the pace of reality, not desire.
Let things unfold naturally — not urgently.
5. Stay connected to yourself.
Your needs, boundaries, and emotional signals matter just as much as theirs.
6. Make curiosity your default.
Instead of “Is he The One?”
Ask:
“Do I feel safe, valued, and respected with this person?”
“Does our connection feel reciprocal?”
“Is this person emotionally available right now?”
Your clarity is your protection.
A Simple Action Step for the Week
For the next seven days, whenever you notice yourself fantasizing about the future with someone you’re dating, pause and ask:
“Am I connecting with who this person truly is — or with the story I created?”
This one question can change the entire trajectory of your relationships.
Because when you see people clearly, you choose more clearly.
And when you stay connected to yourself, you stop chasing love…
and start receiving it.
Ready For the Next Step?
If you found this helpful, share it with a friend who might need it too.
And if you’re craving more insights and tools around enhancing your relationships and emotional intelligence, be sure to subscribe to my newsletters and YouTube channel for a little more love and clarity.
* A quick note: Coming from my own lived experiences & the clients I most often work with, you’ll often hear me use heteronormative pronouns. That said, my coaching & content are meant to be inclusive & supportive of people of all gender identities & orientations.
No matter how you identify, you are welcome here.
Jasmine Rodarte (she / her)
BS, ACC, RYT-200, CPSW
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