The Gifts and Myths of Self-Love
When Self- Love is Excluded
She sat across from me, wringing her hands, her defeated head hanging.
“Self-love, it just seems so…selfish.” She sighed. “After all, it’s in my nature to be selfless and to always put others before me. It’s how I was raised…why is that such a bad thing?”
Her repeated patterns of failed marriages, jobs that were beneath her in pay, satisfaction, and appreciation, along with being taken advantage of in many financial realms, were some of the many indicators that this woman lacked self-love.
Back to this client’s question:
Why is an absence of self-love a bad thing? Isn’t it better to be selfless and live fully in service to others?
While the intentions behind such a mindset are undoubtedly positive, it’s also a recipe for disaster. Or in this woman’s case, a recipe for failed relationships, forgone opportunities, and countless roadblocks to success.
She hadn’t yet made the connection that her lack of self-love was apparent to anyone she encountered, advertising “it’s okay if you treat me like garbage and take advantage of me. I won’t put enforce any boundaries because I don’t deserve anything better.”
She hadn’t yet understood that many of the ways she practiced service to others were rooted in guilt, obligation, and some resentment, because she wouldn’t honor her right to say the “no”‘s that she desired; she wouldn’t give herself a modicum of the consideration she dished out to others indiscriminately.
She was exhausted, depressed, broke, and unsure that loving herself was the necessary component in changing her impoverished circumstances.
What a lil Self-Lovin' Could Do
When we exist with self-love, we live and breathe in ways that demonstrate our value.
We give ourselves permission to pursue satisfying lives of our own design, and connect with others who are stable, healthy, and uplifting.
Our standards for ourselves are higher, and we aren’t resigned to codependent or toxic dynamics.
We don’t allow others to walk all over us. We know we deserve better and therefore won’t settle for scraps.
Our service and treatment towards others becomes rooted in authenticity, and we give from a place of joy and security; versus giving out of duty, burden, or in hopes of gaining an otherwise lacking love.
Self-love supports our personal evolution and gives us the prerogative to pursue our dreams unapologetically.
What it isn’t – myths :
Self-love: What are your thoughts on the concept, and where did they come from?
Though self-love proponents swear by it’s power, many others equate it to being too “woo”, narcissistic, or hollow.
Is self-love just another millenial trend overdosed through social media?
Or is it really the key to a satisfying life and functional relationships?
And if it’s so important, then why doesn’t it come more naturally to us?
Many of us were raised in families or institutions that discouraged a deeper connection with or appreciation of the self. We’ve grown up in a society that conditioned us to believe that love and self-worth is to be found or achieved outside of ourselves.
If we never had self-love demonstrated around us in our formative years, we might could be at a loss as to how we embody it.
Or we dismiss it as unnecessary, neglecting to link our lack of self-love with some of our life’s dysfunctions.
There are various misconceptions surrounding the term and practice of self-love;
let’s talk about what it is, and what it ain’t.
Myths
- Self-love means not tolerating conflict in relationships, and dismissing everyone around you who doesn’t promote your “higher self”.
While self-love can give us strength and permission to let go of harmful or non- serving relationships, it also gives us the tolerance for other’s imperfect behavior. Instead of jumping to eliminate everyone whom we come into conflict with, we can use these interpersonal kinks constructively, learning from our interactions with others who don’t fit into our ideals or preferences.
Allow these challenges to launch you into evolved perspectives, communications, and relationships. - Self-love is self-centered, and focusing on loving yourself will make you selfish.
Loving yourself more needn’t detract from love you give to others. You can treat yourself with the consideration you would treat a dear friend – and there’s nothing selfish about that.
Actively choosing against self-love exposes you to outside influences who may diminish your self-worth. Denying you of self-love results in making unhealthy choices for your mind, body, spirit, and relationships. - You have to be perfect – or far better than you are now – before you’re deserving of self-love.
Unfortunately, our society emphasizes (and profits tremendously) on shoving unattainable standards of beauty on us. We’ve been conditioned to compare ourselves to others, then hate ourselves for our shortcomings. “How can I love myself when I’m so _____?”
We use social media as a weapon that bashes our self-worth through our comparisons and pedestals.
If loving yourself seems too out of reach for you right now, could you at least begin by loving one part of you at a time? (Hayyyyy!)
What I mean is, focus on traits, habits, skills, features that you can love about yourself, rather than what you lack.
Spend time with others who can inspire you to appreciate yourself.
What it is - Gifts:
Self-love really means:
- Appreciating your authentic self. In whole.
Get to lovin’ on those easy parts as well as the more challenging parts.
If you’re struggling to love the more challenging parts of yourself, ask yourself how those parts have served you or could serve you.
For example, “It’s hard to love the part of me that is so quick- tempered. Though it is an area I’m working through, I can appreciate it for helping me speak up in the face of injustices.” - Striving for progress over perfection.
Striving for perfection is futile, as it will always remain beyond reach. Plus, perfection leaves no room for growth. Forgive yourself when you make mistakes or fall short of your expectations. Try to use those slip- ups as learning lessons rather than evidence of your unlovable-ness. Sometimes we make similar mistakes repeatedly before we learn the lesson, and this is okay too.
Love yourself anyway. - Having a growth mindset in all areas of life.
Just like in any relationship, stagnation is a killer. When you love yourself, you’ll want to keep evolving and reaching new heights. Setting goals, overcoming challenges, and elevating yourself in various areas will increase your capabilities, resilience, and therefore your self-esteem (which makes loving yourself a lil’ easier). - Teaching others how to treat us based on how we treat ourselves
If you think of yourself as garbage or just plain mediocre, this will be reflected in the language you use and in actions you take (or don’t take). This standard becomes expressed to others, who use it as a framework for how to treat you. While initially it may feel foreign to adopt a more reaffirming self-concept, you can strive to be a friend to yourself. - Expanding our capacity to love
Typically we are able to display love to others with greater ease than that which we give ourselves, and we are more forgiving of their flaws.
If we can love others through their moments of pain and mistakes, can we not give a more compassionate approach to ourselves, who are equally in need of similar tenderness and love?
Always remember to demonstrate love as a verb – it requires action – as it’s so much more than just a concept to mentally construct.
Self care – Get your practice on. (Or Else)
It sounds simple: If you live with self-love, you demonstrate self-care.
But we might be acting in ways that ultimately harm or imprison us.
Just as we must act our love in our care towards others, we must act loving care towards ourselves.
Self care is not about gravitating towards immediate gratification to relieve you of discomfort, or to try and sustain your dopamine fixes.
Sure, spa days, wine-tastings, and candle-lit bubble baths are delightful pick-me-ups, and as long as you’re living in balance, you deserve to treat yourself to as much as life has to offer.
But enduring self-care transcends all that.
We mustn’t overlook the internal work required to care for ourselves on a deeper level, with benefits that extend into the long term.
Much of what we need to do to take care of ourselves isn’t glamorous, easy, or particularly “fun”.
It’s about processing past pain, regulating emotions, asserting and maintaining boundaries, taking the high road when the low road is oh so tempting.
Self-care is about putting down the bag of chips, closing your bar tab before midnight so you can get enough sleep, reaching out to connect with others in real life even if it’s comfier to passively observe them over social media .
Many of these self-care practices are but small actions, and with repetition can have significant impact.
Interferences
Acting in ways that demonstrate self-care require managing negative interferences which inevitably pop up in your day – to – day. Practicing mindfulness throughout the various stages in your day/week in relation to the moods and responses you enact can signal to you when and where there are interferences. Such may include:
- Stressful demands
You have a full schedule with little to no wiggle room, deadlines, obligations, etc. When the hell are you supposed to find time to care for yourself? If this is the case for you, it may be time to take a step back and evaluate your priorities. Remember, when your self-care tank is on E, life at this rate isn’t sustainable. What obligations can you reduce or eliminate? Can you say “no” to more people? What sorts of self-care practices could you implement that don’t require long blocks of time? For example, a walk on your lunch break, taking 10 minutes every couple of hours to stretch or breathe deeply, etc. - Toxic or unfulfilling relationships
We’ve acknowledged how these types of dynamics can wreak havoc on a self-love journey. It’s obvious then, that they impede our self-care as well. We are harming ourselves when we expend our precious energy in negative relationships. - Distractions
You might tell yourself that you have no time for self-care, meanwhile you engage in endless scrolling, TV bingeing, vices that eat away your time and cognition…
These habits won’t reconfigure overnight, but begin by noticing them and your accompanying emotions. Entertainment is fine in moderation, but if you are using it as a form of regular escapism, you aren’t taking care of yourself.
Begin to reduce the amount of time you spend in these distracted time warps, and make space for more mindful treatment of you. - Guilt, Unworthiness
Oftentimes self-care is thought of as elitist, or again, selfish. Many feel guilty for spending time and resources on themselves, or unworthy of giving themselves such treatment. This can stem from myriad factors, including dysfunctional messaging from childhood/society. Remember that self-care is simply a given right to all living creatures. Do you find your loved ones worthy of caring for themselves? You deserve it just as much. - Being out of touch with yourself and your needs
If you have difficulty finding enjoyment on your own and don’t know what you need/can offer yourself, these are signs that you are out of touch with yourself on an core level. If you fall into codependent tendencies, you may be so used to prioritizing others’ needs, or expecting them to meet your needs, that you neglect to consider or meet your own.
Wrapping Up
Be mindful of your relationship with yourself consistently through each day.
How do you speak to yourself and reflect on your life?
In what ways are you ready to start carin’ n’ lovin’ on yourself?
Step it up!
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Blooming Jasmine
Empowerment Coach + Hypnosis Practitioner + Social Worker + TEFL/TESOL
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