Feel Your Feelings - In the Right Ways
Emotions Gone Wild
Left untamed, emotions have the capacity to make or break our day, our relationships, our health, and our lives. No one wishes to be rattled about in their life’s backseat while stress, anger, anxiety or depression are behind the wheel.
And yet, for many, that’s the nature of our internal experience: confused, untethered, and boomeranging from one upsetting circumstance to the next, with little to no control.
Often, our impulsive reactions, disempowering beliefs, and ease at which we are triggered can be attributed to a lack in emotional regulation.
If we don’t know/do any better, uncomfortable feelings will provoke undesirable actions; or, we might stuff the feelings away altogether, only to witness their eruption in untimely circumstances.
The good news is, emotional regulation is a skill that can be strengthened with attention, patience, and awareness.
We can decide to hop off the rickety emotional rollercoaster, and ground ourselves internally.
Ok but…how?
In therapy, meditation, self-help guides, etc., we are given various suggestions as to what to do with all these feelings.
At a glance, some of these suggestions may seem to contradict one another:
“Let it go”; “Fully examine”; “Detach meaning”; “Introspect”.
So are we supposed to dive deeper into our (often uncomfortable) emotions or
release our attachment to them?
The answer is… both.
First Things First: Accept Your Feelings
All of them.
Once you’ve accepted your emotions for what they are, you can then learn from and work with them more efficiently.
Acceptance doesn’t mean that you have to like the emotion or want to keep it around. While detaching from your feelings does have benefit, trying to dismiss your emotions before gaining understanding of them only causes them (and the circumstances that accompany them) to resurface later.
Rather than fumbling in the darkness of your affliction, acceptance comes from shining a light on it, and acquainting yourself with each detail.
The pain you’re feeling now can transform – once you accept it and process it.
Actively working to accept your emotions can give you the power to
- Consider new solutions/perceptions to problems.
- Make better decisions
- Better regulate your emotional responses
- Understand and express yourself more effectively
- Empower you to face hurdles with competence
Build stronger connections
Diving Deeper into The Feelings
Many of us were taught to run/hide from unsettling emotions, to reject or suppress crying and anger, and that it was wrong to experience negativity.
This avoidance and repression of our feelings weakens our insights and resilience to them, and we miss out on the growth and learning that they can offer.
While we don’t need to hang on to unpleasant emotions after they’ve served their purpose, we can’t let go of our emotions until we’ve examined our relationships with them.
Journal or mentally respond to the following:
In your typical day-to-day, which emotions do you commonly experience?
What patterns can you pick up on?
Connect your emotions with your surrounding circumstances- what happens in the different phases of your day that trigger certain emotions? For ex:
If you are experiencing anxiety in the evenings, you may connect it to being a residual feeling from your staff meetings in the afternoons.
What thoughts are you thinking that may be feeding into the emotional experiences?
How do these thoughts affect your behaviors? For ex:
“When my boss demands so much of my time, I feel distraught. I get to thinking about how out of control I am at work, and I end up going home and yelling at my spouse.
Diving Deeper does NOT Mean
- Getting stuck in a “poor me” victim mentality
- Spending hours or days dwelling or bitching about something upsetting
- Soliciting sympathy from others
- Using your negative emotions as an excuse to hide from issues or solutions
- Succumbing to your pain and using it as an excuse to indulge in various vices to feel better or to distract you (i.e. “I’m feeling ugly so I’m going shopping” or “I’m feeling lonely so I’m going to scroll on my phone at length”.)
Diving Deeper Does Mean:
- Pinpointing how you feel.
Rather than identifying yourself in broad or vague terms such as “bad”, “hurt” “angry”, get more specific, for example: “fatigued”, “discontented” and “offended”.
Building an emotional vocabulary can help you deeper understand yourself, your mood patterns, and will improve how you communicate with others as well. - Spending time figuring out the root of your emotions.
Again, emotions are often layered. So if you’re feeling lousy, don’t resign yourself to the feeling without some introspection. Dig below the surface.
Are there other factors/influences involved?
For example: Rose is fuming with her boyfriend for inviting his friend along on their date without asking her. Initially, she stewed in feelings of bitterness from his inconsideration. Upon diving deeper, she identified that she’d wanted to share some quality alone time with him, and more than she was angry, she was disappointed– the latter emotion being one she felt more comfortable expressing and working through with him. - Having mindful, solution-focused conversations with supportive people about what you’re going through.
- Giving yourself a break from distractions and triggering situations to brainstorm healthy ways to navigate them.
- Utilizing coping skills and supports to boost yourself back up.
The responsibility is yours alone.
When to Let Go of the Feelings
We don’t need to carry our heavy emotions like unwanted baggage, imposing on our health, mindset, and relationships.
When we let go and practice non-attachment to our emotions, we can see our emotions as something separate from us, not in control of us. No longer must we make demands of others, expecting them to “fix” how we feel emotionally. We recognize that our circumstances, relationships, and the world around us is in constant flux, and by allowing our emotions to flow without force is to find liberation and self-government.
After we’ve practiced diving deeper into our emotions, we can release our attachment to them in various ways.
- Giving yourself the permission to let go of the unwanted emotions, and giving yourself a break if/when they flare up again.
“I will continue freeing myself of my resentment as many tries as it takes.” - Acknowledging and labeling the feelings as they arise without dwelling on them “There’s Fear again, trying to get in my way.”
- Acknowledging that these challenging emotions aren’t exclusive to your experience. Others have been through similar and moved on. So can you.
- Reminding yourself that “this too shall pass”.
Emotions are fleeting. While they matter, it’s important to remember that they aren’t fixed and you needn’t identify so closely to them.
Checking in.
How do you manage yourself during the best and worst of emotions?
How do you care for yourself and honor your feelings without wallowing in them?
Do you depend on external circumstances (i.e people and events) to determine your emotional state?
What messages did you inherit from childhood/society on what you should do with your feelings?
How have these messages shaped/served you?
What is a step you can implement NOW to support your emotional health?
Emotional Intelligence Toolkit
Letting it Go: Getting Past Negative Emotions
Healthwise Staff February 9, 2022
The support of empowerment coaching can help you...
Initiate essential life transitions ~ Build resilience through experiences ~ Harness your inner resources ~ You can schedule a free 20 minute call to go over your goals and get you started!
Categories
Blooming Jasmine
+ Empowerment Coach + Hypnosis Practitioner + Social Worker +TEFL/TESOL
If you’d like to go a step further in this area with the help of coaching, visit my page and book your free discovery call to learn more about my services. Don’t forget to subscribe for newsletters, and share some love if you found this helpful.
