What To Do When People Get Under Your Skin
It was finally time for me to embark on one of my most highly anticipated travel experiences:
A week in the jungle, basking in the love of elephants!
Five gorgeous elephants, rehabilitated from the abuses of the tourism industry, with volunteer support. *
Nothing could spoil such bliss … or so I thought.
Within several minutes of jumping in the van that was rounding up other volunteers in Chiang Mai, I knew I was in for an interpersonally arduous experience, and one woman was to blame.
In a nutshell (punny), this woman – Let’s call her Lori – was annoying AF.
Lori incessantly interrupted everyone to flip the conversation back to herself.
She drained the energy, soured the atmosphere, and defied cultural sensitivities.
*(be kind, don’t ride ya’ll.)
When Annoyances Run the Show
At this point in my life, I was less emotionally equipped to deal with these types of interactions in healthier ways (we’ll get to those).
I did what many twenty somethings would do in this situation, which was to shun her, then gossip about her with the other (equally annoyed) volunteers.
Regrettably, the intensity of my aggravation towards Lori overshadowed my once in a lifetime experience with some of my favorite animals. It contaminated my spirit.
Not only did I feel bad for letting someone taint my adventure, but also for my poor behavior- My treatment towards Lori was unwarranted.
Despite how unpleasant I found her to be, she hadn’t done anything to me.
Chick was doing what she thought she needed to do to meet whatever needs she had.
I didn’t like it, but so be it.
Take Stock
Point blank, if we don’t get a handle on our emotions in situations like these, we suffer.
Our experiences and relationships suffer; we waste time and energy letting someone like Lori dominate our thoughts and feelings.
Unfortunately, annoying people are a part of the world in which we live, and we can start to find ways to tolerate, them, using the emotions they stir within us to teach us. We can tame our reactions, be it outward in our expressions or inward in our exasperations.
How many of these tendencies do you find annoying, and how do you deal?
- Sharing a row in a flight with someone who keeps starting small talk when you want to sleep.
- Coworkers who never pull their own weight.
- People talking on the phone in the library when you’re trying to read.
- A friend or partner who always interrupts you.
- A family member who always gives you a guilt trip about your lifestyle.
What other traits get under your skin?
Who gets under your skin the most, and why?
Other than resigning yourself to your annoyance(s), can you dig a little deeper into why this behavior/person triggers such a strong reaction in you?
Annoying People: Here to Stay
Most of us have a hard time tolerating annoying tendencies or people. We think “If she just stopped doing X, I wouldn’t be so upset!” or “I could have a better relationship with them if they ___”.
In this sense, we all want to control the people around us to be in harmony with our preferences. We attribute our lost temper, foul mood, unpleasant experiences, with someone else’s faulty behavior. Meanwhile, we forget that we have more control over these outcomes than we give ourselves credit for.
People aren’t going to change just because we want them to. We can either continue suffering with our negative feelings towards them, or come to accept that annoying people are unavoidable.
There’s no escape.
*scream*
Learn how to modify your thinking to keep your cool during that next triggering encounter.
What you can do for your mindset:
- Know that your emotions aren’t universal truths –
Not everyone is your cup of tea and it doesn’t necessarily make them wrong or bad.
Reminding yourself that just because this person is annoying you, it doesn’t make them an overall unbearable person.
Your interpretations of their behavior is causing your peeve, a perspective which could alleviate some of the blame off of them.
Even if you continue to interpret their behaviors as irritating, taking some ownership for your interpretations could create space for more compassion. - Use “both/and“ vs thinking in absolutes
When we classify people in absolutes, we exclude other possible truths and therefore stay limited in our beliefs/approach towards other people.
The next time you find yourself labeling someone as “irritating”, “extra”, etc., think of a positive or neutral description that may also suit them.
For example: “My mother is both annoying and caring.” “My boss is both uptight and well-spoken.”
This concept may help you view this person more multi-dimensionally. Stop taking it personally.
Rather than taking their bothersome existence as a personal infringement, try and remove yourself from the mental equation. Even if they had intention to get a rise out of you, if you can remember that their expressions are a reflection of how they feel about the world, you will feel less responsible to react. Release your desire to have everyone act in the way you’d prefer, and you’ll be less disappointed when they act poorly.Step out of the negativity loop.
When we’ve been aggravated by someone extensively, we come to expect it from them, which creates a negative loop for our outlook. Oftentimes this leads to us finding additional fault with what they say or do that wouldn’t be annoying if it came from someone else. Stop looking for ways this person will annoy you or predicting their annoyance, because what you seek you will find (confirmation bias).- Always remember there are underlying issues.
Consider that which isn’t visible/obvious to you.
Maybe this bothersome person feels awkward in their environment they share with you, and doesn’t know how to communicate in a better way.
Perhaps this brash, rude person is experiencing a crisis that they’re projecting onto the world because they lack coping skills and supports.
As always, be mindful that everyone is experiencing their own struggles, working through histories of traumas, etc.
What you can do for your interactions
- Realize they’re trying to get their needs met in their own way .
You might not understand or align with the way in which they go about meeting those needs.
You could leave it at that, or try to figure out what their annoying behaviors are doing to serve them.I had a coworker who drove me crazy by constantly hovering over my shoulder, lingering and intruding when I preferred space to focus on my work. I considered what needs this person was trying to meet, and sensed she had a need to feel more involved. This made it possible for me to find moments to offer pieces of involvement on my own terms (i.e. asking for periodic feedback/perspective), rather than shutting her out completely by my frustration.
- Assess the impact of reacting/ treating them poorly.
It might feel good in the moment to release your frustration on them and get them to STFU, but at what expense?
Whether or not we decide someone “deserves it”, unleashing on others out of distress doesn’t fix the root issue.
The accompanying regret and concern often gnaws at our conscience, feeling more uncomfortable than that initial irritation.
Consider that these challenging interactions allow us to strengthen the skill of regulating our emotions. We can train ourselves to be mindful of how we respond, rather than reacting impulsively. Don’t assume the person knows why/if you’re bothered.
Frequently we think that our “hints” are strong enough to outline to a person what they’ve done to aggravate us, and then our vexation grows when those hints don’t produce a change in them.I’ll let you in on a secret… hinting doesn’t work.
(I’m sure you can recall interactions where this has been evident).
While people can generally sense that you’re upset if you’re throwing out those vibes, they (likely) aren’t a mind reader, and therefore won’t pinpoint it to their exact behavior that brought a rise out of you.They might just think your rudeness is misdirected, or that you’re mad at them for some other innocuous reason – meanwhile they continue on doing the things that drive you crazy.
Ask for what you need:
It could be “me” time, a boundary, space, respect, consideration.
Usually we’ll get our needs met with more ease and speed when we are direct, rather than hinting or stewing in a silent resentment.In the example with my coworker, I eventually had to say “I apologize for acting moody. I get overwhelmed and distracted when others are watching me work over my shoulder. Would you be willing to staff __ with me whenever I have my office door open? Otherwise, when it’s closed, I need space to focus. “
This put the ownership for my feelings and actions on me, while making my boundary and need clear and easy to follow.- Call them out.
…but pick your battles.
You can’t have a “come to jesus” talk with everyone who gets on your nerves. Many times it would be futile or inappropriate to spark such a conversation or disclose how you feel (i.e. with a boss).
If the setting is appropriate, start by acknowledging your feelings stirred by their specific action. Avoid criticizing or blaming, and stick to the evidence.For example,
“When you come to me for help on the assignment the day before the deadline, I become stressed, and this impacts my work.”
The Bottom Line
We don’t have to allow the irritating people around us to have such a tight grip on our moods and reactions.
When we bring mindfulness to our interactions, we have the power to shift the way we consider and respond to others.
When we practice accepting that which we can’t change in others, communicating with clarity and kindness, and expanding our mindset, we give ourselves the gift of freedom.
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Blooming Jasmine
+ Empowerment Coach + Hypnosis Practitioner + Social Worker +TEFL/TESOL
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