How Pedestals Push People Away
“She’s way too hot for me.”
“He has so much going for him, I don’t know what he sees in me.”
“She’s so perfect, I’d kill to have her life.”
Sound familiar?
In varying degrees, we’ve all put people on pedestals, be it a romantic interest, a friend, colleague, or stranger.
We are intimidated by their achievements, charisma, talents, lifestyle, and the comparisons we make abase ourselves for not matching up.
These inadequate beliefs may cause us to act inauthentically in hopes of gaining or retaining approval. Or shrink us down, muted with self-doubt.
The beliefs are then reflected in how we treat ourselves and show up in the world – as second class.
This inferior/superior dynamic is isolating for both parties, as the unnecessary divide prevents or disrupts quality connection.
It Could Happen to You
Maybe you’ve been set on a pedestal(s), an awkward position of misunderstanding.
Being held as superior adds pressure to live up to a standard that was chosen for you, which isn’t emotionally sustainable.
Up on someone’s pedestal, you might feel as though they don’t see you for you, or that they may have trouble permitting your humanness .
If you’ve had such an experience, use that discomfort to discourage you from treating others in such excessive regard.
How Pedestals F**k Up Romance
Many of us have struggled with dating or being interested in someone we considered “out of our league”.
When we fantasize a partner as infallible, our minds overlook poor behaviors or red flags.
Similarly, our judgment becomes clouded when we romanticize a partner for the potential they could have, dismissing the reality of who they are at present.
No matter how much perfection or potential you may perceive in them, we must acknowledge our romantic interests as flawed humans like the rest of us – with their own sets of fears, shortcomings, pains, and needs for belonging and understanding.
A partner who is treated as superior will eventually sense the disparity you’ve imposed, and may:
- Feel misunderstood. They want to be seen for who they truly are, not as some god constructed by your insecurities.
- Undervalue you. If you aren’t treating yourself as an equal in the relationship, it sends them a message that you aren’t, giving them permission to treat you as less.
- Use their position to (knowingly or unknowingly) manipulate you.
Our own needs, strengths, and worth become overshadowed when idolizing a partner.
When you grovel in your lacks and defects, the pedestal creates schism in the relationship.
Try not to depreciate your self-worth with undue glorification.
Pedestals in Friendships
Of course we want to have positive thoughts associated with the friends we keep (shoutout to my homies!), but building pals up on pedestals can easily damage the friendship and compromise our emotional well-being.
In my early twenties, I had a dear friend who I allowed to torture me with the comparisons I drew between us. She was self-assured, stable, lighthearted, emanated love all around, seemed to have the world at her fingertips, and any hobby she began turned to gold.
Meanwhile, I hated my uncertainty, the heaviness of my thoughts, my seeming lack of talents, my comfort-seeking in the familiarities of degrading men and getting trashed.
Being around her was like holding a magnifying glass up to all my insecurities, and as much as I was captivated by her, I felt too much shame within the contrast. The pedestal I’d created caused such separation that little by little I avoided her, until I vanished from the friendship all together.
If you’ve had a friend you’ve held in such high exaltation, take heed to the emotions it stirs in you. It isn’t healthy or productive to beat yourself up in your comparisons, and when you try too hard to “match up”, you deny your true self’s right to show up.
You shut off the flow of genuine connection.
Photo by Jason Briscoe on Unsplash
Tips for Shattering Your Pedestals
- Rather than idolizing the person, focus on their qualities.
For example, “He’s sooo successful” becomes “he has good business sense.”
He may be successful in his career but it doesn’t mean that he’s universally successful in all areas of life. - Identify your idolized person’s less-than-perfect qualities/ actions.
This is not to criticize, but to humanize them. Maybe your girlfriend is a super talented artist, and also isn’t a great listener. - Distinguish between the qualities that are attainable to you vs the ones that aren’t.
If appropriate, ask yourself how to embody those attainable qualities (be ready to put in effort).
The ones that aren’t attainable to you aren’t worth the energy of envying.
Example: You’re enamored with Liza’s storytelling ability and wish you could captivate people when you speak (attainable). But it’s time to stop envying her perfect, vibrant family (unattainable). - Take ACTION!
Put in effort towards attaining those qualities mentioned above, or any other qualities you’ve been wanting for yourself.I recall a therapy session some years back when I was lamenting my intimidation of my boyfriend (now hubby)’s greatness. I felt inadequate for not also excelling in his many skills.
“And do you want to play guitar?” my therapist asked me.
“…Not really”.
“Do you want to improve your Spanish?”
“Sí!”
“Then go do it”, she suggested gently.
A simple- yet empowering- shift began.We don’t have to feel impotent next to those we admire, nor must we mimic them for the sake of leveling up.
Let your admiration inspire you to act in authentic ways to elevate your own self-worth. - Consider the qualities you appreciate about yourself
And don’t minimize them. You may take your talents and positive qualities for granted, but they could easily be coveted by another person. Your qualities are unique, they matter, and you have more to offer the world than you’re giving yourself credit for. - Monitor your self-talk
For comparing and pedestalling others, for undervaluing and belittling yourself. These scripts are so sneaky and pervasive that we absorb them as truth with little to no scrutiny.
Awareness is the first step towards reprogramming these thoughts, and action comes next. To combat such self-talk, remind yourself of/ bolster your (established and developing) positive qualities.
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Blooming Jasmine
+ Empowerment Coach + Hypnosis Practitioner + Social Worker +TEFL/TESOL
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