Taking Responsibilities for Ourselves
The Power of Ownership
For so many of us, taking accountability for our actions is foreign or painstaking, and therefore avoided all together.
When we feel offended, scorned, and resentful, we use those emotions as evidence to exonerate ourselves of any interpersonal wrongdoing.
When we succumb to laziness, distractions, and stagnation, we give ourselves a cop out – another reason to push our responsibilities and goals out to an unspecified date in the future.
By failing to accept or express responsibility for our role in our reactions, indolence, and pain, we inadvertently disempower ourselves, trapping ourselves in a victim mentality.
Yuck.
When we don’t own up to our sh*t we...
- Postpone chasing our dreams for instant gratifications –
For years you’ve been bitter with envy of your coworker’s travels. You both have the same salary, but you spend most of yours on take-out and upgraded gadgets, resigning yourself to dull holiday weekends on the couch. You tell yourself that it’s no fair that your coworker “has it made” for the adventures she takes while you binge on Netflix. Sigh. If only someone (*ahem* – YOU) took control of your budget, you’d be able to take a vacation too. - Blame others as the reason why we lost control over our emotions and reactions –
You got into another fight with your sister who knows exactly how to push your buttons, so you end up lashing out. Did she have the right to say that awful thing to you? Certainly not. But ultimately you choose whether to act or react. You give all of your power away when you allow another person to rob you of your temper; plus, losing control and expelling animosity generally feels shitty and is often met with regret. - Make excuses for our lack of self-discipline/follow through, etc. –
You want to be in better shape. But the gym is too crowded in the evenings, and it’s too hard to wake up early in the morning. Plus, people who work out can’t be nearly as busy as you. You tell yourself that you’ll exercise “one of these days” but there’s always a reason why you can’t begin today.
- Wallow in our unhappiness or failures that the cruel world inflicted on us –
This is probably the hardest tendency to amend. For those of us with troubled childhoods, history of traumas, and lack of societal privileges, we get caught up in how unfair life has been to us. An absolutely merited assertion. However, focusing on such injustices can be paralyzing, and isn’t fair to the person we are today. All we have is the hand we were dealt and what we do with those cards is up to us. Remaining prisoners of our past robs us of the opportunities to rise up at present.
Why We Don't Take Ownership:
Pride interferes.
We want to believe that we are better/ more virtuous than the person who triggered our verbal explosion. Owning up to poor behavior would indicate that we, too were in the wrong- something that ego doesn’t allow us to accept when we are seething in self-righteousness.- Limiting and defeating beliefs.
When we don’t look outside the box for solutions within our grasp, we trap ourselves in the victim role. Instead of accepting defeat from the crowded gym or your hectic schedule, perhaps you could skip out on TV a couple days a week to go for a power walk. It’s simply easier to pass the blame.
When it’s always someone else’s fault, we are absolved of any effort-making or resolution. We choose the emotional shortcuts to avoid the irritation that may accompany self-reflection and ownership.
Benefits
When we begin to take accountability for ourselves, we will begin to admire ways that life happens for us, and not to us. Including but not limited to…
- Improved self-image –
We gain self-respect for the maturation, sacrifice, and work that goes into holding ourselves accountable. Even if the results aren’t perfect, (i.e. someone doesn’t accept our sincere apology) we can appreciate that we took positive action regardless. - Strengthened internal locus of control –
By taking control over our actions and mastering our emotions, our peace of mind and achievements are no longer reliant on external factors. People may act out of line and the world may not spin as we’d prefer, but ultimately we affirm that we are in charge of our life’s course. - Relationships enhance –
Owning up to mistakes takes courage, and demonstrates a willingness to relate to others. Taking accountability for our role in circumstances is a vital step in boosting communication skills, and it sets a positive example to those around us.
Risks
When we fail to own up to our own sh*t, we tell ourselves we have no control, but actually use our control to suffer by…
- Remaining powerless –
By our own doing, no less. Other people and outside events will grab hold of our steering wheel, while we bitch in the backseat about the direction in which we’re heading. - Repeating broken patterns –
We’ll struggle through the same conflicts, the continued postponement of getting our shit together in ways we’ve wanted but haven’t initiated. Meanwhile life passes us by while we were stuck in our futile cycle. - Stay trapped in the past of resentment and blame –
Which ultimately affects us, not the ones we are upset with.
Tips for Owning Up to Your Sh*t:
Reprogramming yourself to be responsible for the sh*t in your life becomes possible when you…
- Ask yourself what you presently have control over –
Rather than ruminating on the perils of the past, or the woes of the world. In this moment, give yourself the gift of empowerment over your thoughts, actions, and mood. - Reframe your thoughts and attitudes about that which you have no control over–
The traumatic childhood is no longer holding you prisoner; rather, it shaped you into a warrior. The uptight boss is no longer an enemy; you’ve learned how to transform his approach to become a more effective leader. Your reactions (and moods) are influenced by the beliefs you draw from certain situations. The meanings you create, and the importance you place on situations is entirely up to you. - Examine your patterns with honesty –
Okay, for years you’ve been dying to go on a safari, but what habits in your day-to-day routine support that dream? Which habits separate you from it (i.e. your daily $6 Starbucks and costly weekend bar tabs)? Don’t lie to yourself that the world has defeated you in reaching this dream when you just haven’t been willing to take action or make sacrifices. - Understand your triggers, and manage what you can –
Do you have a tendency to get worked up whenever you visit your sister? Maybe your visits could be less frequent or in a neutral setting, certain talking points avoided. You may want to include another person to act as a “buffer”, or take breaks to self-soothe when you feel yourself getting triggered, and so forth.
. - After receiving constructive criticism, rather than getting defensive, take a contemplative step back –
What truths can you extract from the criticism, and how can you use it to improve? - Acknowledge when you have treated someone poorly –
(Including yourself!) Have a follow up conversation, offer an apology, and make a detailed resolution to do better. - In challenging moments, rather than attributing blame or reacting negatively, ask yourself who/how you want to be –
What steps are required to bloom into that person?
What barriers need to be removed?
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Blooming Jasmine
+ Empowerment Coach + Hypnosis Practitioner + Social Worker +TEFL/TESOL
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