In Need, or Needy?
“I really hate it when girls are too needy”
Ouch, I retracted from the sharp sting of my then-boyfriend’s accusation.
He was comparing me to a past ex he had who asked him too many questions/ was too open with him. The nerve.
Was I needy? I’d previously touted being a “low-maintenance girlfriend”, thinking that by not asking anything of my partners, they’d be love-struck by my agreeableness. But in this moment, I did need to know that my boyfriend was as invested in us as he professed to be, since his avoidant actions increasingly demonstrated the opposite. The incongruence was disorienting.
The relationship didn’t last much longer- his unavailable ass went running and hiding
when it became obvious that I wasn’t as acquiescent as we’d both hoped. Funny, that as soon as I’d hinted that I needed more clarity, I was then confronted of being as needy as those I’d hoped to set myself apart from.
Pattern recognition indicated it was time to get in touch with what I needed from relationships, and to filter out those who were unable or unwilling to meet those needs. After so many years of people-pleasing, I had little idea as to what my needs were, or that they were something I had the right to express.
Indeed We Are All in Need
We operate at our best when we have a grasp on our personal needs and can meet most of them on our own.
Such needs could be the need to feel worthy, to feel comfortable in our own skin, to feel purposeful.
We can’t solely rely on others to satisfy these, or we are setting ourselves up for perpetual insecurity and disappointment.
What are your top needs?
Are they being met? If not, why?
What efforts do you make to meet your needs independently?
When Our Needs Are too Needy
Certainly we will have needs from friends or partners too, such as needing honesty, loyalty, needing to feel heard/seen/understood etc. Some people will meet these needs naturally, while others will need more guidance.
Neediness occurs when our frame of mind, decisions, self-esteem, and emotions are fully dependent on someone else. Rather than managing our own feelings and taking responsibility for ourselves, we expect that person to cure our insecurities, soothe our emotional turmoil, shower us with constant assurance and validation.
When we cling to others to be our foundation, our source for security, identity, or enjoyment, the insurmountable pressure warps a potentially healthy relationship. The desperation and dysfunction attracts codependent relationships.
When we think of someone who is “needy”, who comes to mind?
Perhaps it’s a loved one who badgers, demands, clings, smothers, and who needs constant attention, reassurance, attestations of love.
Perhaps it’s you, in the way you behaved in past and/or current relationships.
It’s exhausting to be on either end.
Transforming needy tendencies requires self- awareness and accountability.
Those with certain personality disorders and attachment styles may have greater difficulty in releasing their constant need for external validation (more on those to come).
However, breaking clingy patterns becomes possible for all of us, when we empower ourselves to adopt healthy ways of communicating our needs.
Healthy or Needy ?
Need: To have your time respected.
Healthy request: That your partner call you if they’re running late
Needy behavior: Calling them incessantly – they were supposed to meet you at 7 and it’s 7:03!
Need: To trust that you and your partner are on the same level of commitment
Healthy request: That you have open communication about the future.
Needy behavior: Repeatedly asking “Do you really love me?”, ready to bend upon their response
Need: Your friend to be available for emotional support
Healthy request: That you chat on the phone at a time this week that is convenient for you both.
Needy behavior: Expecting her to drop everything on a whim to rescue you from frequent drama
Need: Your partner to express more affection
Healthy Request: That your partner give you a mindful embrace before taking off to work.
Needy behavior: Bombarding them with PDA and picking fights when it isn’t reciprocated
Think about additional needs you have from the people around you.
How do you express your needs?
Directly? Passive-aggressively? Not at all?
How do your people respond when you do?
Examples of Needs and Needy Tendencies
We can work through needy tendencies by:
- Discovering what our passions and interests are, and pursuing them independently
- Encouraging our partner to pursue their passions and interests independently as well
- Carving out time each day or week to spend alone
- Healing our attachment issues through therapy or coaching
- Practicing self-soothing techniques when we feel distressed, rather than dumping on our partners for a solution.
- Finding various sources to meet our social needs, rather than one main person
When We Stifle Our Needs Instead
Let’s face it- being needy feels lame (for lack of a better word) and is generally considered as unattractive. Since many of us were never taught or role modeled how to appropriately express our needs, we may find sanctuary in suppressing our needs all together, so as to not be labeled “needy”.
Aspiring for an attractive demeanor of self-reliance, we may play “hard to get”, suggesting we are controlled and detached, rather than sentient and vulnerable.
Or, we may act completely agreeable, pretending that everything is always fine, and those around us needn’t worry as to how their behaviors impact us (guilty).
In reality, when we pretend that we don’t expect anything of the people around us or aren’t clear on what our expectations are, it becomes confusing and frustrating when those unmet needs begin to surface. Especially if we aren’t sure how, or if we are deserving of, asking for them directly.
There’s nothing desirable or attractive about depriving ourselves quality and respectful connection, or about playing games to avoid vulnerability.
If you are someone who holds back on sharing your needs with those you keep close, the openness will likely feel a bit awkward at first. But anyone worth keeping close will appreciate the information by making efforts to meet you halfway. Ensure that you are also offering the same respect you hope to gain from them.
** Note: If someone is refusing to meet your needs either blatantly or covertly, have open conversations as to why. If you are practicing healthy communication surrounding your needs and are still met with opposition, or are accused of being “needy” this is a red flag of manipulation. Consider what they might have to gain by you suppressing your needs vs speaking up for yourself i.e. lack of interest in deepening the relationship, taking advantage of you, or exploitation of some form.
Summary
If your needs have been either overwhelming, or neglected all together, implement the following practices:
- Identify what your needs are, get clear
- Find ways to meet many of your needs on your own
- Work through codependency issues with a professional
- In your relationships, communicate your needs assertively, without demanding or apologizing.
- Encourage those around you to engage in activities that fulfill their needs too.
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Blooming Jasmine
+ Empowerment Coach + Hypnosis Practitioner + Social Worker +TEFL/TESOL
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