1) Recognize the times when you have been selfish.
Do your plans with friend(s) only revolve around your preferences and conveniences?
Did you spend the whole conversation talking about yourself…again?
Do the favors you seek from your friends require much time and energy on their part?  
Did you demand their time and energy without considering what was going on in their world?
Yeah…these practices indicate selfishness, and continuing like such will be a drain on the friendship.

2) Check in with your expectations on your friendships

Do you expect your friends to drop everything to listen to you vent at length?
Do you expect your friends to do favors for you whenever you could use aid?
Do you rely on your friends to meet many of your emotional and social needs?

This isn’t necessarily out of bounds for friendships, but there must be a balanced give and take, or someone is going to feel used and unappreciated.

So be honest with yourself:

Can your friend(s) expect your support in the same ways they give you theirs? If not, why?
Do you actively demonstrate a genuine interest in your friend(s), or are they more of a prop in YOUR story?

3) Remember that everyone is going through something.
Your updates and issues might seem like the most important thing happening right now. The words are ready to spill from your lips to paint a vivid picture to your friend about what you’re going through.

But by being so fixated on your own stuff, you forget that your friend also has his own challenges unfolding behind the scenes.

Just remember, even if your friend doesn’t initiate as much disclosure as you, it doesn’t mean that he has less pains and burdens than you do (he might rarely get a word in, or feel your disinterest when he does disclose.).

You’ve been missing out on learning more about his deeper layers because you haven’t truly taken the time to consider them. And you’ve been missing out on returning the support that he needs from a solid friend.

But good news, it’s not too late, as long as you…

3) Make it a habit to listen actively.
When your friend is speaking, become absorbed in them and their message, and demonstrate your attentiveness with your nonverbals.
This means eye contact, open body language, gesturing along with them to indicate your interest (news flash: people can tell when you aren’t interested or are only half-listening).
And for a friend, it feels shitty.

Make efforts to prevent distractions that will erode the quality of your conversation.
For in-person interactions, refrain from checking your phone, the time, your myriad to-do’s.
For interactions over the phone, find a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed and can be fully present.

Bite your tongue and suppress the urge to jump in and turn the attention back on yourself.  
You might have a similar experience to share and you want them to know you can relate to what they’re saying.
Now’s not the time. 
You might have a really clever perspective to offer as a response. 
Again, not the time.
Just listen. Without waiting for your chance to speak again.

When the conversation turns to you, make your first words reflective on what your friend was just saying.

4) Become a detective: Ask better questions.
This means asking a question out of pure concern and interest, not to check off a box so you can use their answer to start talking about yourself again. Your friend might be so conditioned to not getting a word in while talking to you, and likely feels that your sparse, detached questions don’t invite them to share or elaborate. Think back to those compulsory questions you do ask your friend. 

You ask “How are you?” and hear “I’m…okay, how are you?” And then you go on, and on, and on. By the end of the conversation (er- monologue), you have little idea as to what’s really happening with them. Find opportunities in the conversation to dig a little deeper with your friend. They might hold back on disclosing at first if they are used to you being distracted or heavily focused on yourself.

Make it a mission to leave each interaction learning more about them.  You can start small, try to think back to your recent conversations and look for any nuggets of information that you can follow up on next time. Maybe you remember a couple months ago your friend said she was going to take up a new hobby, but you haven’t heard how that’s going (maybe she mentioned it and you weren’t listening, or maybe there wasn’t room in the conversation for her to bring it up again).

Find out, not to meet a quota, but because you truly do care (don’t ya?)

Try to gain several key takeaways from each conversation with your pal, and make a mental or physical note to follow up again in the future.  Your friend will appreciate it. It may take time and repeated efforts on your part to assure your friend that you’re present and interested; only then will she be comfortable opening up more.

5) Show (and imagine) your gratitude.
Simply acknowledge the moments when your friend’s listening ear or shoulder made it possible for you to feel supported and heard.
“Just wanted to thank you for being there for me last week when ____”  can go a long way.
Send a thank-you card, bring your friend a coffee, any kind of gestures that you would find warming, will give your friend that needed boost as well.

Your appreciation needn’t always be verbalized, and can become a state of mind that you tap into regularly.

Consider the qualities you love and respect about each of your friends.
Begin to physically associate with these thoughts whenever your friends cross your mind. It’s a simple practice in mindfulness that can go a long way. 
Training your brain to be more thoughtful to those around you will positively transfer into your communication and relationships.