How Embracing Conflict Can Reduce It
Last week we touched on conflict resolution for folks who often find themselves in contentious situations (if you missed it, click here).
But for many of us the opposite is true-
We avoid conflict out of fear from the discomfort that arises from it, generally because we want to people-please. Paradoxically, consistently avoiding conflict tends to increase it’s presence in our lives. We must embrace conflict to be able to navigate it with more efficiency, confidence, and grace.
"Hold Up- I Should Embrace Conflicts Such As...?"
- A boss who expects you to drop everything to meet unreasonable deadlines.
- A pushy friend who always asks you for a ride, a babysitter, etc.
- An offensive family member who often brings up topics you (silently) disagree with.
- A partner who relies on you to pick up their slack around the house.
Though each scenario seems exhausting and undesirable, being conflict-adverse, we:
- Skip out on our beloved personal plans to meet another ridiculous deadline
- Tell our pushy friend “Yes” again even when we don’t want to
- Smile politely at the family member and keep quiet
- Continue doing all of the household chores so we don’t inconvenience our partner
Outwardly, we intend to present ourselves as easy-going, agreeable, peace-keeping, and nice. Some of the beliefs that keep us in this mindset sound like:
“It’s easier to be non-confrontational, so I try not to make waves.”
OR
“I avoid conflict to protect myself from social discomfort.”
OR
“That was really rude of him, but I’ll just keep my thoughts to myself.”
While inwardly, we curse the idea of staying late at the office to work on that project, we want to insist that our friend find someone else to babysit, we fantasize telling that abrasive family member to STFU, and we are one dirty dish away from going on strike at home.
How Avoiding Conflict Creates More Conflict:
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Your niceness is mistaken for agreement and compliance – Either consciously or unconsciously, people will rely on your people-pleasing tendencies for their own gain. Since you never say “no”, people will assume you’ll be the one to say “yes” when they need something, and they will need you frequently, whether or not you appear eager to help out.
Additionally, since you don’t speak out or speak up for yourself, you remain exposed to offensive/upsetting situations that could have been nipped in the bud ages ago, if you’d only used your tongue. -
Your boundaries become harder to establish – You wish you’d never agreed to do that favor the first time, because now it seems impossible to suddenly start declining the things you never wanted to do. How could you start expressing a need or a feeling this late in the game?
- Your resentments are building – You find yourself angry and resentful towards those who violate the boundaries you’ve been too afraid of setting. You let yourself down by swallowing your valuable words when they were on the tip of your tongue.
CAUTION: Your bottled up exasperation just might lead to an untimely explosion (Oh great, yet another thing to apologize for).
- You miss out on opportunities for deeper connections in your relationships
-That friend who always needs help out of a jam? If she’s a friend worth keeping, she would want you to let her know if you felt burdened.
– That difficult conversation you’ve been avoiding with your partner? Could give them the chance to better understand your needs and limits.
-The boss who dumps endless tasks on you? May respect you more for asserting your need for a healthier work/life balance
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Steps to Embrace Conflict
How do we stop running from it and start leaning into the conflicts that can promote our satisfaction and well-being?
- Remind yourself that your desires, voice, and needs are valuable. – You deserve the happiness you have been bending over backwards to give everyone else. You don’t need to be agreeable to be liked, and in fact, expressing disagreement and offering an authentic perspective may be one of the greatest gifts you could offer some of your relationships.
- Start small– Breaking your people-pleasing tendencies and implementing patterns for healthy conflict resolution may seem impossible at first. The fear of upsetting people has long been ingrained in many of us, and won’t turn off with the flip of a switch. But like most practices that enhance our growth, the key is starting small, and gaining confidence with repeated effort and exposure. Maybe it’s telling your hairdresser “No, that’s too short” after the first snip instead of biting your tongue throughout the whole nerve-wrecking cut. Maybe it’s reminding your partner “I’d appreciate your help with the laundry tonight” instead of sighing and huffing while you do it yet again. We can find opportunities to lean into these mini conflicts throughout our day- to- day. The payoff? Less daunting conflicts in the end.
- Determine what your limits are. Then establish and maintain them with others. – Maybe you don’t mind helping out your friend from time to time, but don’t want to be expected to come to her aid as frequently as you have been. Determine the specifics, and honor your promises to yourself (i.e. “I’ll only drive her to work once a month vs once a week.”) Keep in mind that people who aren’t used to your boundaries may try to bend them at first. Be consistent. You don’t need to offer an explanation, nor an apology. A firm yet kind boundary expression may sound like this: “I love being able to help out when I can, but I am not able to today”. You aren’t responsible for smoothing out all the kinks. People will find a way to solve their problems without you coming to their aid.
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In Summary
While we may find it safer to harbor conflict internally versus engaging in conflict externally, ultimately the risks to our well-being and relationships are too dire. The discomfort from external conflict can dissipate with respectful practice, whereas the internalized discomfort can only grow and fester, separating us from what we want and need.
Conflict is an inevitable part of life, and by embracing it as such, we can better manage it and build on our communication skills. This allows our relationships to develop, and our needs to be met.
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+ Empowerment Coach + Hypnosis Practitioner + Social Worker +TEFL/TESOL
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